How to Choose A Ceremony

When you meet with your officiant, you should be presented a variety of ceremony styles. Depending on the number of possible styles available, your officiant may vary your ceremony to more closely fit your needs. There are several things that you want to remember.

First of all, does the intention of the ceremony, including what the officiant will say, reflect the feelings that you and your spouse-to-be have for each other? If the ceremony is all about nuts and bolts and no flowers, and your relationship has been all about the romance, then such a ceremony is probably not for you. Or vice versa. If you are bottom-line business people, a highly poetic ceremony may seem cheesy to you. So don't feel that you need to accept the wording as it is. Make suggestions that "fit" who you are. If you want a special reading from your favorite author, you have written a poem that says how you feel, or there is a passage from a religious text that is special to you, by all means, be sure to tell your officiant to include it. And, conversely, if there is a reading writtten into the ceremony that doesn't suit you, don't be afraid to ask that it be deleted.

Second is the length. Most ceremonies in use today are not the several hours long variety, but tend to get in, say something meaningful, then get out. There are still varieties that are over a half-hour and some as short as ten minutes. You may wish to consider your venue or the formal clothing you will be wearing, in regards to how long you can stand in the heat of the sun, if outdoors, or just stand, if indoors. It has been my experience that most couples want things over as quickly as possible, although a relative will comment in a catty way, "That was short but sweet," after the fact. My response is to remind the relative that it is what the couple wanted. So there are various ways to gauge the length of your ceremony, but the bottom line is, what is right for you?

The third thing that you may wish to look at are the rituals. What kind of ritual would reflect most the impression that you want to leave with your guests? And who is going to be participating in the ritual? You can light a Unity candle indoors (but it probably won't stay lit outdoors). You can pour colored sand into a decorative vase outdoors, but remember to have a stopper for the container. This is a nice ceremony whether it is just the two of you, or whether there are also children who will participate, as it symbolizes the importance of every member of the new family. Some couples will want to sign the marriage license during the ceremony as a Unity demonstration. Some couples will want to plant a tree or a flower bulb, share a toast or eat bread. Some may want to have their hands bound or exchange roses. And some couples merely want to say a special, personal message to their beloved. None of these takes a great deal of time, yet they create a picture in everyone's mind that the two of you have come together as a couple, with the intention that your marriage will last forever.

Music is the fourth thing to consider. It sets the stage, tells your guests about how you feel, and reflects your personal style. Many people settle for the traditional music, "just because" it's a wedding, but if the two of you have a special song that has held meaning for you, it is perfectly all right to use it as your processional, recessional, or even during your rituals. It may take a little thought on your part, but it is worth it when you remember the personal stamp it puts on your wedding.

The final thing to consider are the vows. Some couples admit that they will be so nervous that all they wish to do is say, "I do." Your officiant should be flexible enough to write vows that reflect your feelings, yet can accomodate your nerves. You may even wish to offer suggestions as to what to say, then have your officiant put them into a final form so that you have a choice of how to present them, that is, you should be able to memorize them and say them yourselves, repeat them after the officiant, or just say, "I do," after the officiant says the vow. But nothing speaks more to the feelings that the two of you have for each other, than the vows you select.

The most important thing to remember is that your ceremony is about you. Not the officiant, not your parents or other relatives, not your guests. So be sure to advocate for what you want to say as an extension of what you wish to have in order to create a memory that will last because it meant so much on "that day."