Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Faults and Blame

When we are first involved in a loving relationship, we don’t like to think about the fights and disagreements that we are going to have.  They are inevitable.  They will happen, just because no two people see things in exactly the same way.  So whether the disagreements are about which team to cheer for, or whether it makes a difference about how to spend the tax return check, there are going to be disagreements.  The big challenge is how you deal with those disagreements.

Sometimes it is simplest, if there is not much at stake and you can do your own thing, to simply decide that you agree to disagree.  This way, no one has to take the blame or be wrong.  Opinions are not necessarily right or wrong, anyway.  They are just different.  For example, the pronunciation of potato is not going to make or break your marriage.  Agree to disagree and let it go. Choose your battles wisely.

Bigger things, such as whether to buy a house, depending upon the neighborhood, the cost of the property, and so forth, will take greater negotiation.  You will need to take into consideration your preference for the style of the home, its location, cost, space, and whether you can comfortably afford it.  You may have to talk about decoration and what you envision once you are living there.  Doing this in advance saves arguments later.

All of these things require good communication and if you have a strong foundation of expressing your opinions and desires without the other being critical, it can smooth the way for harmonious relations all the way through your marriage.  Keeping a cool head while sharing what your heart says to you, you will do well.

Marriage Counseling, Part 3

If a couple has not set up housekeeping prior to the wedding, the adjustment to each other’s routines and private quirks can be jarring.  Not only does it take time to adjust, but there are worries about finances and housekeeping, time to spend with each other, time to spend with family and friends, and all sorts of little things that need to be worked out so that each of you is satisfied and not imposed upon. 

Making sure that you have set aside a specific time allotment each day to talk over your day, including things that may be uncomfortable to talk about, will help ease the friction that comes in your shared lives.  It is important that you keep your feelings in check while discussing these problems, because for one to say they find a problem with a certain behaviour, takes a great deal of courage.  It is not intended to hurt you, rather it is intended to indicate that a certain behaviour is bothersome or hurtful.  Listen, explain if need be, and then accept that there may have to be some changes.  Putting in the effort to keep your home harmonious is one of the most important things you can do to keep your marriage happy.  The difference between a good marriage and a bad one is that the parties actually try.  They work at making things good between them.  If you do so, it will go a long way toward setting the pattern of a lifetime of love.