Postponements

What happens when something falls through the cracks and you actually have to postpone your wedding ceremony?   For example, say, the weather prevents travel if someone is coming from a distance and plays an integral part in the wedding.  Or, Heaven forbid, there is a death in the family and you are too bereaved to carry on.  Or bride or groom is seriously ill, or called away to the Armed Forces, or any other of a number of possibilities.  What happens and what do you do?

First, contact your vendors right away, explain and see if you can reschedule at a better time.  Use your best judgment in setting a date that will allow you to avoid or compensate for the initial problem.  Most professionals will be understanding of such unavoidable delays, and may give you a portion of your fees in return if they cannot reschedule you.  You probably won’t be able to get all of your fees back, as there are expenses for the professionals as well, but they will likely offset some of your losses.

You are probably, however, going to have to deal with the loss of fees from the venue and your caterer (sometimes the same company), unless they happen to have a waiting list that is tentative enough to fill your spot.  Again, you may see a portion of your fees refunded, but probably not the entire amount. 

Your decorations and dry goods investments can certainly be saved and used for later unless by some bizarre twist of fate, you have already decorated a church or hall when the crisis occurs.  Even at that, you can still pack decorations away in boxes, most carefully, and reuse them when the ceremony can take place.  Take care not to flatten fragile items and you should be ready to go.  Live plants can be kept for later as well, so your entire investment is not lost.

Just a reminder, also, your Marriage License may have to be reviewed.  Most are good for thirty days following application, so if you must postpone, check to make sure you have not got an expired license.  If so, go to the County Clerk’s office and ask for a new one.    

The greatest challenge in postponement is loss of your investment, but with careful planning and cooperative professionals, not all of the investment will be lost.

Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Shared Vision

One of the biggest challenges in married life is the prioritizing of expenditures and the saving of money.  If there are not sufficient funds to pay the bills, if there is an illness that reduces income significantly, the loss of a job for no apparent reason, all of these things can disrupt an otherwise smoothly-flowing marriage.  The cure to these problems is having a shared vision of what you want your future to look like.  If the two of you know where you’re going, what you want in the way of life’s journey, a home, family, the type of occupation, and the recreational aspects of your lives, it can go a long way to helping you to adjust when the vision is disrupted for whatever reason.

Like all aspects of married life, being able to talk about what you want in life is of the greatest importance.  Before you get to the point of committing to each other, you need to come to an agreement about where you want your marriage to go.  Where will you live, both geographically and socially?  Do you want a large house with all sorts of luxuries?  Or are you more inclined to have an ecologically-based small home with nooks and crannies for organizing life on a small scale?  Do you want to live in the city or the country?  What kinds of vehicles do you want?  Children?  How many?  How do you prepare if a child has special needs?  Do you want pets?  What kind of hobbies or crafts would you like to pursue?  What does a typical day look like in your perfect lifestyle?  Try to envision exactly what you would like your life to be like.  Share your views with your partner.  Write a couple of pages about it or draw the images that are most important to you.

Having a shared vision, an idea of an endpoint for your marriage, can help smooth out the wrinkles that life challenges can place in your way.  Once you create your ideal roadmap, it is a simple matter to develop a Plan B, which includes your options when things don’t go according to your regular plans.  Give it some serious thought and have a strategy to put into place, including things like additional education when career changes come, specialized day care for special needs children, a smaller home than you initially envision should your income be restricted, and so forth. 

When you have a shared vision and the challenges manifest, you are prepared, rather than overwhelmed, and have a path that you can safely and sincerely travel, drawing you closer as you succeed in dealing with those challenges.

Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Faults and Blame

When we are first involved in a loving relationship, we don’t like to think about the fights and disagreements that we are going to have.  They are inevitable.  They will happen, just because no two people see things in exactly the same way.  So whether the disagreements are about which team to cheer for, or whether it makes a difference about how to spend the tax return check, there are going to be disagreements.  The big challenge is how you deal with those disagreements.

Sometimes it is simplest, if there is not much at stake and you can do your own thing, to simply decide that you agree to disagree.  This way, no one has to take the blame or be wrong.  Opinions are not necessarily right or wrong, anyway.  They are just different.  For example, the pronunciation of potato is not going to make or break your marriage.  Agree to disagree and let it go. Choose your battles wisely.

Bigger things, such as whether to buy a house, depending upon the neighborhood, the cost of the property, and so forth, will take greater negotiation.  You will need to take into consideration your preference for the style of the home, its location, cost, space, and whether you can comfortably afford it.  You may have to talk about decoration and what you envision once you are living there.  Doing this in advance saves arguments later.

All of these things require good communication and if you have a strong foundation of expressing your opinions and desires without the other being critical, it can smooth the way for harmonious relations all the way through your marriage.  Keeping a cool head while sharing what your heart says to you, you will do well.

How To Deal With Conflict at the Wedding

Most weddings are a place where everyone is excited and happy for the bride and groom, partaking of their special day with positive energy and shared love.  There is respect and those who aren’t particularly supportive, have the decency to keep their opinions to themselves.  However, there is the occasional wedding in which there is a faction, often uninvited, prepared to disrupt the service, cause contention and turn the day into a disaster.  What does one do with that?

When the world is not supportive of the choices made by a couple, the first solution is not to invite trouble by leaving the nay-sayers off the guest list.  Even if that person is beloved Aunt Polly, and the worst she might do is moan and cry during the vows, it is wise to allow her to keep her feelings to herself.

However, there are those who would crash a wedding and shout or even become violent, attacking the bride or the groom, to show their displeasure at the proceedings.  Not only does this cause embarrassment, but also can cause costly delays of the ceremony.  If you have a concern that this may be a problem, being prepared ahead of time will help protect your ceremony from the negativity. 

Having your guests bring their invitations, and setting a gatekeeper or doorman at the entrance to the venue, preferably someone of imposing size, to sort out who has or has not been invited, can reduce the likelihood of a disruption.  Also, informing the officiant that there is an individual who may cause problems during the service helps to avoid problems, as the officiant can set a pace that doesn’t allow for interruptions.  The last step is to call the police and have the disruptors removed from the premises.  It may be an uncomfortable step to take, but possibly a necessary one, should violence come into the picture.

There are also those who underhandedly attempt to manipulate a couple by making threats and ultimatums.  These persons are likely to be more low key, but their presence on the day of a wedding can cause plenty of discomfort.  They usually impose their statements prior to the start of the ceremony, and the best option is to quietly ask them to leave.  While it may not be pleasant, it is a better option than having disruption during the ceremony.

Knowing who would cause conflict at your wedding and taking steps ahead of time to prevent the person’s actions from destroying your special day, may preserve the positive memories that you hope to have to begin your married life.