Destination Weddings

The popularity of weddings at a distance is increasing.  It is a way to combine the honeymoon with the wedding, and for at least part of the celebration, to bring your friends along.  Many couples prefer to have the simplicity of a charming wedding at a meaningful location, then throw a big party for the reception on their return.

Begin by deciding where you would like to have your wedding.  This is not just a matter of venue, as if you intend to have your ceremony locally.  It is a matter of what country, or island, or city, for example: Las Vegas or Maui or Italy.  Once you have decided upon the location, you will want to visit a travel agency (particularly if you want to be married overseas) to find out the cost, possible accommodations, and perhaps, if they have any specials or any package deals.  This will give you a framework to start with, as well as providing you with date options.  It’s important to be flexible about travel plans, because there may be certain dates that are booked.

Next, you will want to check into possible venues.  If you have gotten lucky and have found an acceptable package deal, this much is taken care of for you.  Otherwise, you will need to start from scratch, searching the web to find out what venues may be available in the locale you prefer.  Many cities have a website that offers connections to businesses in their area, but you will need to do a little research in order to find just what you’re looking for.

You will need to have hotel accommodations if you wish to stay overnight.  If you are choosing a cruise for your destination, this is already covered.  You will merely have to have your guests book the cruise as well.  Also, guests will need to make arrangements for hotel or, if you are paying their way, you may want to book a block of rooms for the duration.

The ceremony itself may be fairly easy to plan.  If you are going on a cruise, you can often make arrangements for the captain of the ship to perform the ceremony.  You may want your own officiant, so long as you pay for his or her accommodations.  If you are going to a remote location, you may need to do some digging to find out if there is a clergyman or officer who can perform the wedding.  Of course, places like Las Vegas have many wedding chapels which suit a variety of preferences.

Some couples report that they save a great deal of money by having their wedding at a special place, but this depends on what the budget allows and how long your stay.

What You Must Have in Your Ceremony

Your wedding ceremony is a presentation which contains all of the legal requirements that transform a couple of single individuals into a married couple.  The language therein is arranged with all of the necessary wording to accomplish that fact. When it comes down to it, there is little that must be said, and a lot that makes the money you spent on your ceremony worthwhile.  You will want your ceremony to reflect your feelings and express who you are as a couple. The ceremony script should express how you feel, but also, include nothing that you feel is irrelevant. It is important that you communicate this to your officiant.

What, then, is a required part of the ceremony, and what is for appearances?  Let’s run through the ceremony skeleton and see what we can find.

The first segment is the Prelude.  This is, generally, the music that is played while guests are being seated.  It is entirely optional and fairly difficult without a large sound system, if your ceremony is to be out or doors.

Next is the Processional.  This is also music, but it is played while the wedding party is approaching the area where they will stand for the rest of the ceremony, i.e. the front of the church, a stage, the water’s edge if near a lake, etc.  Even if you have no Prelude, a Processional is nice to have, but it, too, is not a required part of the ceremony.

The Convocation is the third part of the ceremony.  This is where the officiant or a designated individual introduces bride and groom, welcomes your guests and/or invites them to witness the union.  This is usually brief, often stated in traditional ceremonies as, “Dearly Beloved…etc.”  This too is optional.

The Invocation is next.  It may be a religious prayer or a secular wish of goodwill toward the bride and groom.  It is not legally required, but its presence may nicely set the tone for the rest of the ceremony.

Following the Invocation is the Dedication.  This is the part where the Officiant asks, “Who gives this woman to be married?” for example.  Again, this is completely optional, particularly if the bride has not chosen to be escorted up the aisle.

At this point comes what I think of as the entertainment portion of the ceremony.  It includes the Address, which involves a message that can include how the bride and groom have come together, what they think about each other, and advice that may seem appropriate.  This would be the section of the ceremony in which there might be passages of scripture, poems, literary readings and music. This part should be long enough to be interesting and entertaining, yet short enough so that your guests won’t fall asleep.  This, too, is optional.

Now we come to the required parts of the ceremony.  There is the Expression of Intent. This is merely a statement, such as, “Have you come here for the purpose of marriage?”  Both parties answer in unison, “We do,” or something similar.

If the couple wish to share personal messages with each other, this is a nice spot for them to do so.

Once that is done, the Officiant may say the Consecration.  Not required, it is a form of blessing. Some people like to say one of several Old Irish Blessings.

Next come the Vows.  While it may be as simple as, “Do you, (name), take (name), to be your wedded wife/husband” followed by, “I do,” they can also be poetic and lengthy.  These are required.

Following the Vows, some couples like to have more entertainment, such as music, another reading, or a Unity Ceremony, which can involve flowers, water, sand, candles, hand tying, or planting a flower bulb, a tree, or other symbolic ceremony.  All of this is optional, but ideally represents the couple’s feelings.

Next comes the Blessing of the Rings, which is also optional and can be either religious or secular, simple or poetic.  It precedes the Exchange of the Rings, in which the bride and groom place their rings on each other’s fingers. This can be done with or without vows, such as, “With this ring, I thee wed.”

Immediately following is the Pronouncement of the couple as husband and wife.  This is required.

Some couples like to save the signing of the Marriage License for this part of the ceremony, but it can also be signed following the end. It should be noted that there must be two witnesses of legal age to sign the license. This is a legal requirement.

Most couples like to seal their vows with a kiss at this point.  After that, the Officiant may introduce the couple to their guests as Mr. and Mrs. (names) followed by the Benediction, which is another blessing.  All of these parts are optional as well.

The couple goes out of the church/etc. during the Recessional, often followed by a Receiving Line, in which the bridal party and relatives receive the well-wishes the guests.  Some will do this immediately after the wedding, while others like to save this for the reception/party afterward.

It is important for a couple to choose the parts of the ceremony which reflect their feelings and to advocate for themselves with the professionals who will make the ceremony special for their wedding day.  A good Officiant will guide you through the script and create a memorable ceremony that you can remember for the rest of your lives.

Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Shared Vision

One of the biggest challenges in married life is the prioritizing of expenditures and the saving of money.  If there are not sufficient funds to pay the bills, if there is an illness that reduces income significantly, the loss of a job for no apparent reason, all of these things can disrupt an otherwise smoothly-flowing marriage.  The cure to these problems is having a shared vision of what you want your future to look like.  If the two of you know where you’re going, what you want in the way of life’s journey, a home, family, the type of occupation, and the recreational aspects of your lives, it can go a long way to helping you to adjust when the vision is disrupted for whatever reason.

Like all aspects of married life, being able to talk about what you want in life is of the greatest importance.  Before you get to the point of committing to each other, you need to come to an agreement about where you want your marriage to go.  Where will you live, both geographically and socially?  Do you want a large house with all sorts of luxuries?  Or are you more inclined to have an ecologically-based small home with nooks and crannies for organizing life on a small scale?  Do you want to live in the city or the country?  What kinds of vehicles do you want?  Children?  How many?  How do you prepare if a child has special needs?  Do you want pets?  What kind of hobbies or crafts would you like to pursue?  What does a typical day look like in your perfect lifestyle?  Try to envision exactly what you would like your life to be like.  Share your views with your partner.  Write a couple of pages about it or draw the images that are most important to you.

Having a shared vision, an idea of an endpoint for your marriage, can help smooth out the wrinkles that life challenges can place in your way.  Once you create your ideal roadmap, it is a simple matter to develop a Plan B, which includes your options when things don’t go according to your regular plans.  Give it some serious thought and have a strategy to put into place, including things like additional education when career changes come, specialized day care for special needs children, a smaller home than you initially envision should your income be restricted, and so forth. 

When you have a shared vision and the challenges manifest, you are prepared, rather than overwhelmed, and have a path that you can safely and sincerely travel, drawing you closer as you succeed in dealing with those challenges.

Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Faults and Blame

When we are first involved in a loving relationship, we don’t like to think about the fights and disagreements that we are going to have.  They are inevitable.  They will happen, just because no two people see things in exactly the same way.  So whether the disagreements are about which team to cheer for, or whether it makes a difference about how to spend the tax return check, there are going to be disagreements.  The big challenge is how you deal with those disagreements.

Sometimes it is simplest, if there is not much at stake and you can do your own thing, to simply decide that you agree to disagree.  This way, no one has to take the blame or be wrong.  Opinions are not necessarily right or wrong, anyway.  They are just different.  For example, the pronunciation of potato is not going to make or break your marriage.  Agree to disagree and let it go. Choose your battles wisely.

Bigger things, such as whether to buy a house, depending upon the neighborhood, the cost of the property, and so forth, will take greater negotiation.  You will need to take into consideration your preference for the style of the home, its location, cost, space, and whether you can comfortably afford it.  You may have to talk about decoration and what you envision once you are living there.  Doing this in advance saves arguments later.

All of these things require good communication and if you have a strong foundation of expressing your opinions and desires without the other being critical, it can smooth the way for harmonious relations all the way through your marriage.  Keeping a cool head while sharing what your heart says to you, you will do well.

Marriage Counseling, Part 3

If a couple has not set up housekeeping prior to the wedding, the adjustment to each other’s routines and private quirks can be jarring.  Not only does it take time to adjust, but there are worries about finances and housekeeping, time to spend with each other, time to spend with family and friends, and all sorts of little things that need to be worked out so that each of you is satisfied and not imposed upon. 

Making sure that you have set aside a specific time allotment each day to talk over your day, including things that may be uncomfortable to talk about, will help ease the friction that comes in your shared lives.  It is important that you keep your feelings in check while discussing these problems, because for one to say they find a problem with a certain behaviour, takes a great deal of courage.  It is not intended to hurt you, rather it is intended to indicate that a certain behaviour is bothersome or hurtful.  Listen, explain if need be, and then accept that there may have to be some changes.  Putting in the effort to keep your home harmonious is one of the most important things you can do to keep your marriage happy.  The difference between a good marriage and a bad one is that the parties actually try.  They work at making things good between them.  If you do so, it will go a long way toward setting the pattern of a lifetime of love.

Marriage Counseling, Part 1

I am occasionally asked if I do pre-marital counseling.  I do not require it for my couples, as most have been together for several years already by the time they come to me.  However, I do offer it to those who would like some guidelines.

The first, and in my opinion, most important, aspect of a relationship, is the ability to communicate.  Sharing not only hopes and dreams with your partner, but also your worries and doubts, draws you closer.

It is important to allow open and honest expression.  To do this, there must be a safe environment.  Communication requires listening on both parts.  It is important to cut each other off.  It is equally important not to be reactionary, so that what you hear doesn’t cause you to act out.  This is a choice.  You may feel hurt, sad or even angry, by what you hear, but good communication dictates that you put those feelings into words, rather than acting out and creating problems.  This extends trust in each other and strengthens the bond between you.

There is a ceremony that calls for the use of a rose when things are difficult and you cannot express your feelings.  One party leaves the rose at a predetermined place.  The rose symbolizes the ongoing love between you, while allowing the other partner to know that there is something wrong, though words cannot be found to express it in the moment.  It is a gentle reminder that your relationship is stronger than the challenges that you face.

If you can communicate openly and honestly, you may never need marriage counseling later in your marriage.