Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Faults and Blame

When we are first involved in a loving relationship, we don’t like to think about the fights and disagreements that we are going to have.  They are inevitable.  They will happen, just because no two people see things in exactly the same way.  So whether the disagreements are about which team to cheer for, or whether it makes a difference about how to spend the tax return check, there are going to be disagreements.  The big challenge is how you deal with those disagreements.

Sometimes it is simplest, if there is not much at stake and you can do your own thing, to simply decide that you agree to disagree.  This way, no one has to take the blame or be wrong.  Opinions are not necessarily right or wrong, anyway.  They are just different.  For example, the pronunciation of potato is not going to make or break your marriage.  Agree to disagree and let it go. Choose your battles wisely.

Bigger things, such as whether to buy a house, depending upon the neighborhood, the cost of the property, and so forth, will take greater negotiation.  You will need to take into consideration your preference for the style of the home, its location, cost, space, and whether you can comfortably afford it.  You may have to talk about decoration and what you envision once you are living there.  Doing this in advance saves arguments later.

All of these things require good communication and if you have a strong foundation of expressing your opinions and desires without the other being critical, it can smooth the way for harmonious relations all the way through your marriage.  Keeping a cool head while sharing what your heart says to you, you will do well.

Marriage Counseling Part 2: Adventure

One thing couples seem to have difficulty with over time is keeping the excitement going in their marriage.  There are busy days in everyone’s life, with work, family obligations, household upkeep and the need for occasional time to oneself.  So when does that leave time to dedicate with each other? 

As you may have learned from various sources, it is not necessarily the amount of time of time you spend with each other, rather the quality of that time.  To make the most of your time, try doing things that you’ve never done before.  You don’t have to go bungee jumping every weekend, though you may want to try it once...or twice...but if you can think of new places to go, new things to see, even if you are just going to the State Park and walking through the trees, it will keep things alive and fresh in your marriage.

Some people like to surprise each other with a special meal, tiny treasures gifts on the bed pillow as a surprise, doing chores that are usually done by the spouse, and so on.  Random acts of kindness, though not so random when its your spouse, go a long way to raising satisfaction levels.  Little gifts don’t have to be expensive, but they should be meaningful.  Try to find something that reminds both of you of a special moment, your honeymoon, a beloved song, or something on that order.

Keep a photo album or slideshow of various places you have been, or special times that meant a lot to you.  Select a family tradition, such as buying a new dated ornament for the holiday tree each year.  Make other holidays special with heirloom recipes that can be handed down over the years.  All of these things draw you closer as a family and keep the excitement going in your marriage.

Use your imagination to see into your partner’s mind and think of something that would make him or her very happy.  Surprise each other often enough to make your marriage exciting, but not so often that it becomes expected, taken for granted, or tedious.  Think of the adventures you can create.

Marriage Counseling, Part 1

I am occasionally asked if I do pre-marital counseling.  I do not require it for my couples, as most have been together for several years already by the time they come to me.  However, I do offer it to those who would like some guidelines.

The first, and in my opinion, most important, aspect of a relationship, is the ability to communicate.  Sharing not only hopes and dreams with your partner, but also your worries and doubts, draws you closer.

It is important to allow open and honest expression.  To do this, there must be a safe environment.  Communication requires listening on both parts.  It is important to cut each other off.  It is equally important not to be reactionary, so that what you hear doesn’t cause you to act out.  This is a choice.  You may feel hurt, sad or even angry, by what you hear, but good communication dictates that you put those feelings into words, rather than acting out and creating problems.  This extends trust in each other and strengthens the bond between you.

There is a ceremony that calls for the use of a rose when things are difficult and you cannot express your feelings.  One party leaves the rose at a predetermined place.  The rose symbolizes the ongoing love between you, while allowing the other partner to know that there is something wrong, though words cannot be found to express it in the moment.  It is a gentle reminder that your relationship is stronger than the challenges that you face.

If you can communicate openly and honestly, you may never need marriage counseling later in your marriage.