Why a Professional Officiant?

While a wedding ceremony is not a theatrical performance, there are many elements that are the same.  You are spending a great deal of money for the right venue, for the gowns and tuxes, the food, decor, etc., so why not hire a professional officiant who will be able to guide you through the various aspects of the ceremony and avoid problems that may otherwise manifest.

You may have settled on a perfect venue and have hired vendors for photography, musicians or DJs, caterer, bakery, flowers and decorators.  If you wish to hire a wedding planner to take care of the details of your wedding, you may find it less challenging, but a professional officiant is capable of helping you plan the greater portion of the wedding as well. 

You can expect your officiant to go through the details of the ceremony with you, including the music, readings, vows, wedding party and special rituals, including such things as dove releases, flower exchange, Unity ceremony, handfasting, jumping the broom, and so forth.  The officiant can help you organize the entire ceremony, create a schedule of events, as well as perform the wedding.  A friend or relative, who might be honored to marry you and your spouse, does not have the training to organize all of these things.  While it may save you a small amount of money, your ceremony will not be as it might otherwise be.

A professional wedding officiant may cost a little more, but they are worth every penny.

Avoiding Meltdowns

The day of the wedding ceremony is fraught with nerves, headaches, and confusion.  There are many things that can go wrong, but the important thing is to avoid a meltdown for the bride and groom.  With a little luck and a good officiant, the wedding can be salvaged and be remembered for years to come as a beautiful event, near and dear to the heart.

Let’s take a look at some of the things that might go wrong.  First, the Marriage License can be lost, left behind at the hotel, have coffee spilled on it, or be accidentally torn.  Plan ahead by giving the license to someone who will take responsibility for it, such as the maid of honor or best man, a parent, or a wedding planner. This person will be responsible for making sure it gets packed with items to go to the location of the ceremony, making sure it is transported to the site, and perhaps wrapping it in plastic report cover to prevent damage from spills or tears, and most importantly, delivering the license to the officiant prior to the ceremony.

Another disastrous thing that can happen is having the wedding cake ruined.  This can happen in transport.  The cake may fall, melt, be dropped, not be what was ordered, etc.  The solution to this is a little more difficult.  If possible, have the bakery deliver the cake to your location.  They have to tools to protect the cake from most of these problems.  If the cake comes in sections, they will be able to set it up to its best.  If your baker doesn’t deliver, allow extra time so that the cake doesn’t get bounced around in transport by having to hurry through traffic.  Upon arrival, use a kitchen cart to move the cake into the hall.  If there is a melting problem, smoothing the icing with a spatula should help repair the situation.

Flowers are commonly delivered by the florist, and they will often help distribute the bouquets and boutonnieres to the wedding party.  The problem here is if they droop in the heat of summer, or if the tapes holding things together slide off.  This isn’t a common problem, but it is a possibility.  If necessary, store the flowers in a refrigerator to keep them fresh.

Clothing can become a headache as well.  Perhaps someone’s tux doesn’t fit.  Or, perhaps the bridesmaids gowns are too tight.  Worst of all, the bridal gown may tear or pop a button.  The latter problem can be helped with a needle and thread, so long as this is packed into a “go bag” where all of the last minute needs are stored.  The fitting of the tuxes and bridesmaids gowns can be taken care of if everyone is fitted a week or so before the ceremony.  Then, make sure that each person does, in fact, have the clothing that is meant for them.

Now it is a matter of making sure all of the people that have been invited are on time.  Depending upon the size of the guest list, it may or may not be important that the guests, and a special guest in particular, arrive on time.  It isn’t practical to phone everyone and remind them to be on time, but if there is someone you absolutely want to be there for the ceremony, a well-timed phone call can help them remember what time they should arrive.  Ten minutes before the ceremony is a good rule of thumb.

Last, it’s raining on your well-planned ceremony.  Not to worry.  Paperwork can be slipped into plastic report covers so that the ink doesn’t run, someone can be asked to hold umbrellas over the wedding party if the rain is falling very hard, or, if the rain is a temporary thing, it’s probably okay to wait a little while.  But remember, rain on the wedding day is a good omen.

If you can avoid these pitfalls, there is no reason for a meltdown and heartfelt memories shall abound.

Peripheral Tips

Once you have all of the flowers, gowns, tuxes, and are ready to rehearse your ceremony, there are a few things that need to be discussed.  For example, when the bride is presented, do you wish the congregation to stand?  Often, they will stand without prompting, but it is good to know if you wish them to do so.  Traditionally, as the bride comes into view, the congregation will stand, but there are couples who prefer not to do this.  You should let your officiant know your preferences.

Another thing that will help your ceremony go smoothly is that the maid of honor will adjust the train of the bride’s gown when the bride reaches her place. Following that, or if there is no train to smooth, the bride hands the maid of honor her flowers, so that her hands are free to hold the groom’s hands and to give and receive the rings, pour sand (if there is a sand ceremony), exchange roses (for a rose ceremony), light candles (if there is a Unity Candle) and so on.

It is frequently preferred by couples to have a ringbearer in the bridal party.  This is a charming addition.  The problem comes in when the rings are not adequately tied to the pillow he carries, or tied so well that the ties must be cut.  Perhaps I have said this before, but it helps the ceremony to run more smoothly if the ringbearer has faux rings on the pillow (it may actually have had a pair of them when purchased) and have the best man and/or maid of honor holding the rings to be presented to the officiant when asked.

These are just a few of the tips that will help your wedding day go seamlessly better.

What Kind of Ceremony?

Most of the time you can say, “A wedding is a wedding.” Except when it’s not.  There are other types of ceremonies that may be had, which provide the level of commitment of a marriage, but without the legal blessing that a wedding receives.  For some, a commitment ceremony is the right choice.  For others, a hand-fasting provides what is needed.  So when is a wedding not a wedding?

To begin with, a wedding requires a license from the state in which it is performed.  It is a legal union in which the bride and groom (or brides and grooms) make a legal connection which is honored by the legal system, and in which partners are able to receive benefits from an employer, the state and insurance companies, for example.

There are situations when a marriage ceremony, as above, would limit the parties to a wedding, regarding those benefits, so the choice becomes one in which they wish to profess their love and commitment as a couple, but avoid the legal, and oftentimes, financial, limitations based on their marital status.  This couple would do well to have a commitment ceremony, which, generally, has language that the couple expresses their love, honor and union with each other, without being legally a married couple.  Informally, the couple may consider themselves married, but it is not a legal union.

The final option is a hand-fasting, which, according to some pagan faiths, is a commitment of a year and a day, with an option to make it a permanent relationship following that period.  There are several ceremonies that are used to seal this type of relationship, including a ribbon ceremony, in which the couple’s hands are bound together before being withdrawn, creating an in-dissolvable knot that they enjoy as a keepsake. Some individuals opt for Jumping the Broom, which involves placing a broom on the ground, and the couple, following their vows, jumps the broom, symbolizing their entrance into the portal of marriage.

From a legal standpoint, your officiant is required to avoid language including “husband and wife,” unless the ceremony includes a legal license.  So long as everyone is aware what the ceremony is all about, the better for all.

Do's and Don'ts for Your Wedding

Most all of us know that there are some things that we should or shouldn’t do with regard to a wedding ceremony and the associated events that support that being smoothly performed.  It’s nice to review a few things, however, as forgetting these can create an uncomfortable situation for the entire wedding party.

Do’s:

1. Take the ceremony seriously.  All of the professionals will be most appreciative.
2. Be on time to the rehearsals, ceremony and every function involved in preparation for the ceremony.  Make sure that all participants have been informed of the time each event is starting. If someone must be late or is unable to attend, let the officiant know as soon as possible.
3. Let the officiant know of any changes to the ceremony as soon as possible.  This is one of the benefits of having an officiant-led rehearsal. It’s okay to stop the rehearsal for a rewrite, but not so good to have an awkward silence during the ceremony.  If you are adding a Unity Candle, for example, be sure to inform the officiant. Likewise if you are removing a part of the ceremony. The wedding will run so much smoother and there will be no embarrassing moments.
4. Do introduce the officiant to the members of the bridal party, particularly the two witnesses who are responsible for signing the marriage license.  It makes it much easier when the time comes to sign.
5. Let the best man and maid of honor help with the flowers, rings and train of the bridal gown.  That’s what they’re receiving special honors for.

Don’ts:

1. Save celebrating for after the ceremony is over.  There is little else that disrupt the ceremony more than an intoxicated bridal party.
2. Don’t give someone a job to do, then change your mind and assign someone else.  This will confuse everyone, including the officiant. You can make changes, but do so at the rehearsal.  That’s what it’s for. Be sure to specify what you expect of children and parents, as well.
3. Don’t look at the officiant while reciting or repeating your vows.  You’re marrying your partner, not the officiant.
4. Don’t carry on a conversation with someone in the congregation.  Being relaxed is one thing, but chattering on is just rude.
5. Don’t chew gum or tobacco during the ceremony.

Mostly, it is important to focus on the business at hand.  Everyone will enjoy themselves all the more and your ceremony will be one you can remember, in a good way, forever.

Destination Weddings

The popularity of weddings at a distance is increasing.  It is a way to combine the honeymoon with the wedding, and for at least part of the celebration, to bring your friends along.  Many couples prefer to have the simplicity of a charming wedding at a meaningful location, then throw a big party for the reception on their return.

Begin by deciding where you would like to have your wedding.  This is not just a matter of venue, as if you intend to have your ceremony locally.  It is a matter of what country, or island, or city, for example: Las Vegas or Maui or Italy.  Once you have decided upon the location, you will want to visit a travel agency (particularly if you want to be married overseas) to find out the cost, possible accommodations, and perhaps, if they have any specials or any package deals.  This will give you a framework to start with, as well as providing you with date options.  It’s important to be flexible about travel plans, because there may be certain dates that are booked.

Next, you will want to check into possible venues.  If you have gotten lucky and have found an acceptable package deal, this much is taken care of for you.  Otherwise, you will need to start from scratch, searching the web to find out what venues may be available in the locale you prefer.  Many cities have a website that offers connections to businesses in their area, but you will need to do a little research in order to find just what you’re looking for.

You will need to have hotel accommodations if you wish to stay overnight.  If you are choosing a cruise for your destination, this is already covered.  You will merely have to have your guests book the cruise as well.  Also, guests will need to make arrangements for hotel or, if you are paying their way, you may want to book a block of rooms for the duration.

The ceremony itself may be fairly easy to plan.  If you are going on a cruise, you can often make arrangements for the captain of the ship to perform the ceremony.  You may want your own officiant, so long as you pay for his or her accommodations.  If you are going to a remote location, you may need to do some digging to find out if there is a clergyman or officer who can perform the wedding.  Of course, places like Las Vegas have many wedding chapels which suit a variety of preferences.

Some couples report that they save a great deal of money by having their wedding at a special place, but this depends on what the budget allows and how long your stay.

Themed Weddings

What could be more fun than having a wedding?  Having something that really relates to who you are as a couple and expresses the good times that you have had with something, whether a hobby, a spectator sport, a special vacation spot, you name it.

Some of the excitement for this type of wedding will test the creativity of your wedding officiant or planner, to write a ceremony that is full of what is special for the two of you, or you may even want to write it yourself.  We often personalize our vows in this way, but now the entire ceremony can be specialized to you. In any case, it should be delightful and entertaining for your guests.

Where do you start?  The first thing to do is to brainstorm.  What do you like to do? What do you share as a couple?  What kind of hobby gives you joy? These questions should get you started and encourage your creativity to flow.  When you have some options selected, pick your theme.

Once you have selected your theme, think about the peripheral, visual parts of your wedding.  This includes decorations, your wedding gowns and tuxedos (which now become costumes) and the atmosphere of your venue to immerse your guests in your themescape.  You will want to adjust your entrance, your music, and, of course, the script of your ceremony.

Decorations can be selected with help from the local dollar store, a sporting goods store, the fabric shop and a thrift shop.  While you may not normally expect to shop for a wedding in these places, when it comes to theme weddings, you will be able to exploit these stores for the most rare of items.  This includes finding sports jerseys, books that can be used as decor, glassware for the reception, whatever your heart’s desire.

For your attire, you can usually find something unique at the above locations as well.  Think in terms of the image you wish to represent, and you can go wild. Suppose, for example, that you wish to have an Alice In Wonderland wedding.  You should be able to find a red dress anywhere, but a ball gown with a hoop skirt, for the Queen of Hearts, may be a little more difficult to find.  Thrift stores have this kind of thing from time to time. The items are usually cleaned, so don’t feel you have to skimp on quality. The groom’s attire for this wedding might be a military style uniform.  Some may want to alter the pants with a stripe down the side, but you should be able to find something special. Of course, the clothing for your attendants may be a little more difficult to find, and you may want to make them, for example, pillow cases with playing card faces on them, worn with leggings for each. The attendants may wish to get in on the fun as you create something special. Do this for any of your themes and you will be having fun that will last a lifetime.

Personalizing your ceremony script to reflect your theme will add to your fun.  Writing a fun, rhyming poem to highlight the address is always a good place to start.  Preface that with a themed greeting and following with vows that you have written will make your day memorable.  Writing not your thing? Find a talented wedding officiant who will offer to write your ceremony according to your dreams.

You may wish to carry the theme over into your reception, and you can do this just as easily as you have done for the ceremony, using the same sources for decor.  The main thing is to enjoy!

What You Must Have in Your Ceremony

Your wedding ceremony is a presentation which contains all of the legal requirements that transform a couple of single individuals into a married couple.  The language therein is arranged with all of the necessary wording to accomplish that fact. When it comes down to it, there is little that must be said, and a lot that makes the money you spent on your ceremony worthwhile.  You will want your ceremony to reflect your feelings and express who you are as a couple. The ceremony script should express how you feel, but also, include nothing that you feel is irrelevant. It is important that you communicate this to your officiant.

What, then, is a required part of the ceremony, and what is for appearances?  Let’s run through the ceremony skeleton and see what we can find.

The first segment is the Prelude.  This is, generally, the music that is played while guests are being seated.  It is entirely optional and fairly difficult without a large sound system, if your ceremony is to be out or doors.

Next is the Processional.  This is also music, but it is played while the wedding party is approaching the area where they will stand for the rest of the ceremony, i.e. the front of the church, a stage, the water’s edge if near a lake, etc.  Even if you have no Prelude, a Processional is nice to have, but it, too, is not a required part of the ceremony.

The Convocation is the third part of the ceremony.  This is where the officiant or a designated individual introduces bride and groom, welcomes your guests and/or invites them to witness the union.  This is usually brief, often stated in traditional ceremonies as, “Dearly Beloved…etc.”  This too is optional.

The Invocation is next.  It may be a religious prayer or a secular wish of goodwill toward the bride and groom.  It is not legally required, but its presence may nicely set the tone for the rest of the ceremony.

Following the Invocation is the Dedication.  This is the part where the Officiant asks, “Who gives this woman to be married?” for example.  Again, this is completely optional, particularly if the bride has not chosen to be escorted up the aisle.

At this point comes what I think of as the entertainment portion of the ceremony.  It includes the Address, which involves a message that can include how the bride and groom have come together, what they think about each other, and advice that may seem appropriate.  This would be the section of the ceremony in which there might be passages of scripture, poems, literary readings and music. This part should be long enough to be interesting and entertaining, yet short enough so that your guests won’t fall asleep.  This, too, is optional.

Now we come to the required parts of the ceremony.  There is the Expression of Intent. This is merely a statement, such as, “Have you come here for the purpose of marriage?”  Both parties answer in unison, “We do,” or something similar.

If the couple wish to share personal messages with each other, this is a nice spot for them to do so.

Once that is done, the Officiant may say the Consecration.  Not required, it is a form of blessing. Some people like to say one of several Old Irish Blessings.

Next come the Vows.  While it may be as simple as, “Do you, (name), take (name), to be your wedded wife/husband” followed by, “I do,” they can also be poetic and lengthy.  These are required.

Following the Vows, some couples like to have more entertainment, such as music, another reading, or a Unity Ceremony, which can involve flowers, water, sand, candles, hand tying, or planting a flower bulb, a tree, or other symbolic ceremony.  All of this is optional, but ideally represents the couple’s feelings.

Next comes the Blessing of the Rings, which is also optional and can be either religious or secular, simple or poetic.  It precedes the Exchange of the Rings, in which the bride and groom place their rings on each other’s fingers. This can be done with or without vows, such as, “With this ring, I thee wed.”

Immediately following is the Pronouncement of the couple as husband and wife.  This is required.

Some couples like to save the signing of the Marriage License for this part of the ceremony, but it can also be signed following the end. It should be noted that there must be two witnesses of legal age to sign the license. This is a legal requirement.

Most couples like to seal their vows with a kiss at this point.  After that, the Officiant may introduce the couple to their guests as Mr. and Mrs. (names) followed by the Benediction, which is another blessing.  All of these parts are optional as well.

The couple goes out of the church/etc. during the Recessional, often followed by a Receiving Line, in which the bridal party and relatives receive the well-wishes the guests.  Some will do this immediately after the wedding, while others like to save this for the reception/party afterward.

It is important for a couple to choose the parts of the ceremony which reflect their feelings and to advocate for themselves with the professionals who will make the ceremony special for their wedding day.  A good Officiant will guide you through the script and create a memorable ceremony that you can remember for the rest of your lives.

Options

When you are sitting down with your professionals, the thing you most want is to have a variety of options presented to you so that you can choose what represents your interests, beliefs, and sometimes, your fantasies.  While some professionals are very open to things you may want to try, others are somewhat rigid in their thinking, when it comes to possibilities, and will try to limit your options, rather than open them up.  If they can give a reasonable explanation as to why they don’t suggest something in which you’re interested, all well and good, but if it just seems they have a limited view of things and seem to be strong-arming you to do something which would make less work for themselves, then perhaps you do not have a good fit with this professional and it is time to find someone who is more open-minded.  The last thing you want when you are planning is to have someone tell you what you want or don’t want for your ceremony or reception.  Nor do you want someone to play off your fears about Murphy’s Law, which states that if anything possibly can go wrong, it will.

The bottom line is that you want all of the options presented to you, so that you can make an informed decision which speaks to your hearts as a couple.  If you find someone filling in the blanks for you, it’s time to look elsewhere.

Postponements

What happens when something falls through the cracks and you actually have to postpone your wedding ceremony?   For example, say, the weather prevents travel if someone is coming from a distance and plays an integral part in the wedding.  Or, Heaven forbid, there is a death in the family and you are too bereaved to carry on.  Or bride or groom is seriously ill, or called away to the Armed Forces, or any other of a number of possibilities.  What happens and what do you do?

First, contact your vendors right away, explain and see if you can reschedule at a better time.  Use your best judgment in setting a date that will allow you to avoid or compensate for the initial problem.  Most professionals will be understanding of such unavoidable delays, and may give you a portion of your fees in return if they cannot reschedule you.  You probably won’t be able to get all of your fees back, as there are expenses for the professionals as well, but they will likely offset some of your losses.

You are probably, however, going to have to deal with the loss of fees from the venue and your caterer (sometimes the same company), unless they happen to have a waiting list that is tentative enough to fill your spot.  Again, you may see a portion of your fees refunded, but probably not the entire amount. 

Your decorations and dry goods investments can certainly be saved and used for later unless by some bizarre twist of fate, you have already decorated a church or hall when the crisis occurs.  Even at that, you can still pack decorations away in boxes, most carefully, and reuse them when the ceremony can take place.  Take care not to flatten fragile items and you should be ready to go.  Live plants can be kept for later as well, so your entire investment is not lost.

Just a reminder, also, your Marriage License may have to be reviewed.  Most are good for thirty days following application, so if you must postpone, check to make sure you have not got an expired license.  If so, go to the County Clerk’s office and ask for a new one.    

The greatest challenge in postponement is loss of your investment, but with careful planning and cooperative professionals, not all of the investment will be lost.

New Year's Weddings

Many couples enjoy getting married at a time when they are normally prepared to have a new beginning—on New Year’s day.  They like the thought of completion, and the opportunity to begin something totally new.  It is a natural and comfortable transition in their lives. 

Often, the New Year’s wedding is simple, involving only the closest of friends or family, and is performed in the family home.  Although it may seem spur of the moment, there is likely a great deal of thought went into making such a plan and moving in the direction that will bring this new union to life. 

While the ceremony itself may be humble, the meaning is important and serious to New Year’s couples.  Now is the time when the depth of their feelings can and should be sought out, when the ceremony can reflect meaning, honesty, giving and sharing.  Perhaps you will want to say a personal message for your vows, to really express how you feel blessed, what you want to contribute to this relationship.  Perhaps you will want to have a poem, either one you have written yourself, or one that speaks the love you hold in your heart.  In any case, New Year’s is an ideal time to approach new beginnings and make life changes that open the doors to your new life.

Planning Time

Again, we come to that time of year when plans are made for weddings that will take place during the warmer months.  Of course, in warmer climates and large cities, these things go year around, but here in the cold of Michigan, plans are made during the winter for weddings that will make their splash during the summer months.

Now is the time to make appointments with vendors—the caterers, deejays, photographers, venues, and, of course, wedding officiants.  With the price of petrol soaring, it is wise to track down vendors who are local to the place you will be having your ceremony and reception, rather than paying for travel expenses.  If money is no object, and you have your heart set on a particular individual, of course this is not a concern.

The things you will need to nail down before you start setting up your professionals, is an exact date and time for your ceremony.  Even if you don’t have your venue yet, busy professionals need to know, for their own scheduling, the date and time.  It may be open to change, if you need to make adjustment for one vendor or another, but give a ballpark figure at least.  And if you do need to change the time, be certain to inform all of your vendors, as they are scheduling for other clients as well.

Some of the considerations you will need to take into account when you select a date and time is whether all the members of your wedding party are available.  You probably aren’t going to be able to please everyone, someone may have to take time off work, and if someone special is coming from a distance, making things as convenient for that person is a higher priority than someone who lives a block away. 

Once you’ve settled on a date and time, then you go forward and contact vendors and get everyone lined up.  Start with the venue, as their schedules tend to fill in the fastest.  Then get an officiant, a caterer, photographer, and if needed, get the assistance of a wedding planner.  If you are having a large and extravagant wedding, their expertise is most helpful.

Starting with a date and time that is cast in stone will help you organize your wedding much easier and take away headaches later on.

What Are You Celebrating?

When a couple comes together for the purpose of marriage, there is always the question of how big a splash to make.  Some couples prefer something quiet, private, in which they can take care of the legal necessity of joining their lives, while others want to make as big a production with a great deal of fanfare to announce to the world that they are married, something that creates a beautiful memory of a day that seems more like a fantasy that reality.

As an officiant, it is my job to help you realize either one, whatever your hearts desire.  It is my job to find the right words, set the stage and express to your guests, however many you may have, that this day is special, that the two of you are now one voice, one heart, one life. 

Because everyone is different, your job is to let your officiant know what you envision as the perfect ceremony.  What rituals do you want as part of your ceremony?  Do you want special music, poetry, a tribute to someone special, memorials to those in the family who have passed, but are watching you from above? 

There are a lot of things that you can do to create a forum to have said what you want to do and say.  This ceremony will mark a transition from one stage of life to another, even if you, as a couple, have been together for years.  A wedding speaks volumes in that it can show your guests the story of your evolution from a single, solitary person, to a supportive, loving couple.  It can say what you feel, why you feel it, and why it is important and special to you, the couple.

Therefore, dream!  Envision what your perfect day is going to be.  If you are setting free balloons, or homing pigeons, or lighting a Unity Candle—whatever reflects your personal desires or style—make it your own and say what you will to celebrate who the two of you are as a couple and light the path ahead to where you want to go.

Release Rituals

One of the lovelier rituals performed at weddings are the release rituals, in which doves or balloons are released to represent the freedom of the love between a couple.  There is a new twist on these two exercises, as only the creative minds of the ingenious and culturally inspired can develop.  One ritual, borrowed from the Orient, is the release of floating lanterns, which are miniature hot air balloons with an incendiary device which lifts the lantern up into the sky.  The second is helium-filled, dove-shaped balloons which are biodegradable for the ecology-minded, yet allow for a lovely display similar to the live release of doves. 

Both of these releases create a dramatic and beautiful image that will stay with you and your guests for a long time.  The cost for either is nominal, but with the right narration, can be especially meaningful.  The lanterns are available in many different colors, including a package of several colors.  The dove-shaped balloons are white.  This link will connect you with a vendor who sells these items.

http://www.skylanterns.us

While these rituals are just beginning to become popular, they are not widely known and practiced.  Both are well-suited to outdoor weddings, and the lanterns are much more dramatic at night, when the lights shine as they rise.  If you wish to have a dramatic flair, I highly recommend these rituals.

Narrative for the release of the doves might be something as simple as, "to symbolize the freedom of the expression of Bride and Groom's love, they release these doves."  Of course, you can get as poetic as you wish, adding more to enhance the drama, but the imagery is of paramount significance.

Dream Wedding?

What does it mean to have a dream wedding?  Some children grow up with an image in their minds that is highly detailed and specific as far as what they believe their wedding should look like, how it will be performed, what is said, and perhaps most important, where it will be.  Do they always get what they want?  Hopefully they will, but there is always that smidgen of doubt that says that there are going to be barriers which keep them from having the perfect wedding.

Let’s think about this for a minute.  When you were a child, did you get everything that you ever wanted?  Probably not.  If you did, it will be a lot harder for you to accept that you won’t have everything your way as an adult.  But logically, it stands to reason that the world is not going to give you things exactly the way you saw them when you were little.  No diamond tiara, no tropical island paradise.

I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but things just don’t look the same as we expected they would when we were young.  So there will have to be changes in the way you see your wedding.  You can still have special words spoken, you can still have lavish decorations, but if you wish to see through the eyes of a child, you are going to be a couple that is disgruntled and sad at the end of the day.  No one needs that kind of stress.

So look at things with your adult eyes and realize that you have a budget, large or small, but you can still have some amazing things.  Will it be a David Tutera production?  Probably not, but you can have silk flowers, crystals, the gown and tuxes, a special cake to top it all off and great music with which to dance the night away.

Have a No-Waste Wedding

When you think about the costs of the decorations for your wedding and reception, the price tag can skyrocket.  But there is also a cost of waste and an environmental impact from what you choose to use as your decor.  Unless you give all of the centerpieces and displays away to your guests, or resell them on eBay, for example, chances are you are going to be throwing most of the beautiful items away.  So take the time to consider what you can do to decorate with natural things that can be recycled or serve a secondary purpose over time.

One clever thing used for an outdoor wedding was the use of wildflowers in canning jars.  The jars were suspended from shepherd’s hooks along the path of the processional.  The flowers could equally have been silk flowers or wheat stalks, and the jars could have been any that can be picked up at thrift stores or flea markets, so long as they can make a set.  The displays were stunning and simple, and left little impact on the environment.  The canning jars might be filled with tomatoes or jelly in years to come.

Lovely table decorations can be made from varied sizes of goblets with colored gravel, water and a goldfish.  The fish can then be placed into an aquarium for a living memorial of the ceremony.  The goblets, once sterilized, can be used for years to come, and once again, the memories are lasting.

Considering your hobbies in creating decorations may allow another lasting use of materials.  If you sew, you may be able to use yard goods to create interesting displays.  You can use the fabric to make interesting quilts that commemorate your wedding and become family heirlooms.

There are so many ways to use materials that will become a part of your family heritage in the years to come.  Just think outside the box and put a little more of yourself into the mix.

Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Shared Vision

One of the biggest challenges in married life is the prioritizing of expenditures and the saving of money.  If there are not sufficient funds to pay the bills, if there is an illness that reduces income significantly, the loss of a job for no apparent reason, all of these things can disrupt an otherwise smoothly-flowing marriage.  The cure to these problems is having a shared vision of what you want your future to look like.  If the two of you know where you’re going, what you want in the way of life’s journey, a home, family, the type of occupation, and the recreational aspects of your lives, it can go a long way to helping you to adjust when the vision is disrupted for whatever reason.

Like all aspects of married life, being able to talk about what you want in life is of the greatest importance.  Before you get to the point of committing to each other, you need to come to an agreement about where you want your marriage to go.  Where will you live, both geographically and socially?  Do you want a large house with all sorts of luxuries?  Or are you more inclined to have an ecologically-based small home with nooks and crannies for organizing life on a small scale?  Do you want to live in the city or the country?  What kinds of vehicles do you want?  Children?  How many?  How do you prepare if a child has special needs?  Do you want pets?  What kind of hobbies or crafts would you like to pursue?  What does a typical day look like in your perfect lifestyle?  Try to envision exactly what you would like your life to be like.  Share your views with your partner.  Write a couple of pages about it or draw the images that are most important to you.

Having a shared vision, an idea of an endpoint for your marriage, can help smooth out the wrinkles that life challenges can place in your way.  Once you create your ideal roadmap, it is a simple matter to develop a Plan B, which includes your options when things don’t go according to your regular plans.  Give it some serious thought and have a strategy to put into place, including things like additional education when career changes come, specialized day care for special needs children, a smaller home than you initially envision should your income be restricted, and so forth. 

When you have a shared vision and the challenges manifest, you are prepared, rather than overwhelmed, and have a path that you can safely and sincerely travel, drawing you closer as you succeed in dealing with those challenges.

Marriage Counseling, Part 4: Faults and Blame

When we are first involved in a loving relationship, we don’t like to think about the fights and disagreements that we are going to have.  They are inevitable.  They will happen, just because no two people see things in exactly the same way.  So whether the disagreements are about which team to cheer for, or whether it makes a difference about how to spend the tax return check, there are going to be disagreements.  The big challenge is how you deal with those disagreements.

Sometimes it is simplest, if there is not much at stake and you can do your own thing, to simply decide that you agree to disagree.  This way, no one has to take the blame or be wrong.  Opinions are not necessarily right or wrong, anyway.  They are just different.  For example, the pronunciation of potato is not going to make or break your marriage.  Agree to disagree and let it go. Choose your battles wisely.

Bigger things, such as whether to buy a house, depending upon the neighborhood, the cost of the property, and so forth, will take greater negotiation.  You will need to take into consideration your preference for the style of the home, its location, cost, space, and whether you can comfortably afford it.  You may have to talk about decoration and what you envision once you are living there.  Doing this in advance saves arguments later.

All of these things require good communication and if you have a strong foundation of expressing your opinions and desires without the other being critical, it can smooth the way for harmonious relations all the way through your marriage.  Keeping a cool head while sharing what your heart says to you, you will do well.

Marriage Counseling Part 2: Adventure

One thing couples seem to have difficulty with over time is keeping the excitement going in their marriage.  There are busy days in everyone’s life, with work, family obligations, household upkeep and the need for occasional time to oneself.  So when does that leave time to dedicate with each other? 

As you may have learned from various sources, it is not necessarily the amount of time of time you spend with each other, rather the quality of that time.  To make the most of your time, try doing things that you’ve never done before.  You don’t have to go bungee jumping every weekend, though you may want to try it once...or twice...but if you can think of new places to go, new things to see, even if you are just going to the State Park and walking through the trees, it will keep things alive and fresh in your marriage.

Some people like to surprise each other with a special meal, tiny treasures gifts on the bed pillow as a surprise, doing chores that are usually done by the spouse, and so on.  Random acts of kindness, though not so random when its your spouse, go a long way to raising satisfaction levels.  Little gifts don’t have to be expensive, but they should be meaningful.  Try to find something that reminds both of you of a special moment, your honeymoon, a beloved song, or something on that order.

Keep a photo album or slideshow of various places you have been, or special times that meant a lot to you.  Select a family tradition, such as buying a new dated ornament for the holiday tree each year.  Make other holidays special with heirloom recipes that can be handed down over the years.  All of these things draw you closer as a family and keep the excitement going in your marriage.

Use your imagination to see into your partner’s mind and think of something that would make him or her very happy.  Surprise each other often enough to make your marriage exciting, but not so often that it becomes expected, taken for granted, or tedious.  Think of the adventures you can create.

Marriage Counseling, Part 1

I am occasionally asked if I do pre-marital counseling.  I do not require it for my couples, as most have been together for several years already by the time they come to me.  However, I do offer it to those who would like some guidelines.

The first, and in my opinion, most important, aspect of a relationship, is the ability to communicate.  Sharing not only hopes and dreams with your partner, but also your worries and doubts, draws you closer.

It is important to allow open and honest expression.  To do this, there must be a safe environment.  Communication requires listening on both parts.  It is important to cut each other off.  It is equally important not to be reactionary, so that what you hear doesn’t cause you to act out.  This is a choice.  You may feel hurt, sad or even angry, by what you hear, but good communication dictates that you put those feelings into words, rather than acting out and creating problems.  This extends trust in each other and strengthens the bond between you.

There is a ceremony that calls for the use of a rose when things are difficult and you cannot express your feelings.  One party leaves the rose at a predetermined place.  The rose symbolizes the ongoing love between you, while allowing the other partner to know that there is something wrong, though words cannot be found to express it in the moment.  It is a gentle reminder that your relationship is stronger than the challenges that you face.

If you can communicate openly and honestly, you may never need marriage counseling later in your marriage.