Do's and Don'ts for Your Wedding

Most all of us know that there are some things that we should or shouldn’t do with regard to a wedding ceremony and the associated events that support that being smoothly performed.  It’s nice to review a few things, however, as forgetting these can create an uncomfortable situation for the entire wedding party.

Do’s:

1. Take the ceremony seriously.  All of the professionals will be most appreciative.
2. Be on time to the rehearsals, ceremony and every function involved in preparation for the ceremony.  Make sure that all participants have been informed of the time each event is starting. If someone must be late or is unable to attend, let the officiant know as soon as possible.
3. Let the officiant know of any changes to the ceremony as soon as possible.  This is one of the benefits of having an officiant-led rehearsal. It’s okay to stop the rehearsal for a rewrite, but not so good to have an awkward silence during the ceremony.  If you are adding a Unity Candle, for example, be sure to inform the officiant. Likewise if you are removing a part of the ceremony. The wedding will run so much smoother and there will be no embarrassing moments.
4. Do introduce the officiant to the members of the bridal party, particularly the two witnesses who are responsible for signing the marriage license.  It makes it much easier when the time comes to sign.
5. Let the best man and maid of honor help with the flowers, rings and train of the bridal gown.  That’s what they’re receiving special honors for.

Don’ts:

1. Save celebrating for after the ceremony is over.  There is little else that disrupt the ceremony more than an intoxicated bridal party.
2. Don’t give someone a job to do, then change your mind and assign someone else.  This will confuse everyone, including the officiant. You can make changes, but do so at the rehearsal.  That’s what it’s for. Be sure to specify what you expect of children and parents, as well.
3. Don’t look at the officiant while reciting or repeating your vows.  You’re marrying your partner, not the officiant.
4. Don’t carry on a conversation with someone in the congregation.  Being relaxed is one thing, but chattering on is just rude.
5. Don’t chew gum or tobacco during the ceremony.

Mostly, it is important to focus on the business at hand.  Everyone will enjoy themselves all the more and your ceremony will be one you can remember, in a good way, forever.

Postponements

What happens when something falls through the cracks and you actually have to postpone your wedding ceremony?   For example, say, the weather prevents travel if someone is coming from a distance and plays an integral part in the wedding.  Or, Heaven forbid, there is a death in the family and you are too bereaved to carry on.  Or bride or groom is seriously ill, or called away to the Armed Forces, or any other of a number of possibilities.  What happens and what do you do?

First, contact your vendors right away, explain and see if you can reschedule at a better time.  Use your best judgment in setting a date that will allow you to avoid or compensate for the initial problem.  Most professionals will be understanding of such unavoidable delays, and may give you a portion of your fees in return if they cannot reschedule you.  You probably won’t be able to get all of your fees back, as there are expenses for the professionals as well, but they will likely offset some of your losses.

You are probably, however, going to have to deal with the loss of fees from the venue and your caterer (sometimes the same company), unless they happen to have a waiting list that is tentative enough to fill your spot.  Again, you may see a portion of your fees refunded, but probably not the entire amount. 

Your decorations and dry goods investments can certainly be saved and used for later unless by some bizarre twist of fate, you have already decorated a church or hall when the crisis occurs.  Even at that, you can still pack decorations away in boxes, most carefully, and reuse them when the ceremony can take place.  Take care not to flatten fragile items and you should be ready to go.  Live plants can be kept for later as well, so your entire investment is not lost.

Just a reminder, also, your Marriage License may have to be reviewed.  Most are good for thirty days following application, so if you must postpone, check to make sure you have not got an expired license.  If so, go to the County Clerk’s office and ask for a new one.    

The greatest challenge in postponement is loss of your investment, but with careful planning and cooperative professionals, not all of the investment will be lost.

Marriage Counseling, Part 3

If a couple has not set up housekeeping prior to the wedding, the adjustment to each other’s routines and private quirks can be jarring.  Not only does it take time to adjust, but there are worries about finances and housekeeping, time to spend with each other, time to spend with family and friends, and all sorts of little things that need to be worked out so that each of you is satisfied and not imposed upon. 

Making sure that you have set aside a specific time allotment each day to talk over your day, including things that may be uncomfortable to talk about, will help ease the friction that comes in your shared lives.  It is important that you keep your feelings in check while discussing these problems, because for one to say they find a problem with a certain behaviour, takes a great deal of courage.  It is not intended to hurt you, rather it is intended to indicate that a certain behaviour is bothersome or hurtful.  Listen, explain if need be, and then accept that there may have to be some changes.  Putting in the effort to keep your home harmonious is one of the most important things you can do to keep your marriage happy.  The difference between a good marriage and a bad one is that the parties actually try.  They work at making things good between them.  If you do so, it will go a long way toward setting the pattern of a lifetime of love.

Marriage Counseling, Part 1

I am occasionally asked if I do pre-marital counseling.  I do not require it for my couples, as most have been together for several years already by the time they come to me.  However, I do offer it to those who would like some guidelines.

The first, and in my opinion, most important, aspect of a relationship, is the ability to communicate.  Sharing not only hopes and dreams with your partner, but also your worries and doubts, draws you closer.

It is important to allow open and honest expression.  To do this, there must be a safe environment.  Communication requires listening on both parts.  It is important to cut each other off.  It is equally important not to be reactionary, so that what you hear doesn’t cause you to act out.  This is a choice.  You may feel hurt, sad or even angry, by what you hear, but good communication dictates that you put those feelings into words, rather than acting out and creating problems.  This extends trust in each other and strengthens the bond between you.

There is a ceremony that calls for the use of a rose when things are difficult and you cannot express your feelings.  One party leaves the rose at a predetermined place.  The rose symbolizes the ongoing love between you, while allowing the other partner to know that there is something wrong, though words cannot be found to express it in the moment.  It is a gentle reminder that your relationship is stronger than the challenges that you face.

If you can communicate openly and honestly, you may never need marriage counseling later in your marriage.