What Kind of Ceremony?

Most of the time you can say, “A wedding is a wedding.” Except when it’s not.  There are other types of ceremonies that may be had, which provide the level of commitment of a marriage, but without the legal blessing that a wedding receives.  For some, a commitment ceremony is the right choice.  For others, a hand-fasting provides what is needed.  So when is a wedding not a wedding?

To begin with, a wedding requires a license from the state in which it is performed.  It is a legal union in which the bride and groom (or brides and grooms) make a legal connection which is honored by the legal system, and in which partners are able to receive benefits from an employer, the state and insurance companies, for example.

There are situations when a marriage ceremony, as above, would limit the parties to a wedding, regarding those benefits, so the choice becomes one in which they wish to profess their love and commitment as a couple, but avoid the legal, and oftentimes, financial, limitations based on their marital status.  This couple would do well to have a commitment ceremony, which, generally, has language that the couple expresses their love, honor and union with each other, without being legally a married couple.  Informally, the couple may consider themselves married, but it is not a legal union.

The final option is a hand-fasting, which, according to some pagan faiths, is a commitment of a year and a day, with an option to make it a permanent relationship following that period.  There are several ceremonies that are used to seal this type of relationship, including a ribbon ceremony, in which the couple’s hands are bound together before being withdrawn, creating an in-dissolvable knot that they enjoy as a keepsake. Some individuals opt for Jumping the Broom, which involves placing a broom on the ground, and the couple, following their vows, jumps the broom, symbolizing their entrance into the portal of marriage.

From a legal standpoint, your officiant is required to avoid language including “husband and wife,” unless the ceremony includes a legal license.  So long as everyone is aware what the ceremony is all about, the better for all.

What You Must Have in Your Ceremony

Your wedding ceremony is a presentation which contains all of the legal requirements that transform a couple of single individuals into a married couple.  The language therein is arranged with all of the necessary wording to accomplish that fact. When it comes down to it, there is little that must be said, and a lot that makes the money you spent on your ceremony worthwhile.  You will want your ceremony to reflect your feelings and express who you are as a couple. The ceremony script should express how you feel, but also, include nothing that you feel is irrelevant. It is important that you communicate this to your officiant.

What, then, is a required part of the ceremony, and what is for appearances?  Let’s run through the ceremony skeleton and see what we can find.

The first segment is the Prelude.  This is, generally, the music that is played while guests are being seated.  It is entirely optional and fairly difficult without a large sound system, if your ceremony is to be out or doors.

Next is the Processional.  This is also music, but it is played while the wedding party is approaching the area where they will stand for the rest of the ceremony, i.e. the front of the church, a stage, the water’s edge if near a lake, etc.  Even if you have no Prelude, a Processional is nice to have, but it, too, is not a required part of the ceremony.

The Convocation is the third part of the ceremony.  This is where the officiant or a designated individual introduces bride and groom, welcomes your guests and/or invites them to witness the union.  This is usually brief, often stated in traditional ceremonies as, “Dearly Beloved…etc.”  This too is optional.

The Invocation is next.  It may be a religious prayer or a secular wish of goodwill toward the bride and groom.  It is not legally required, but its presence may nicely set the tone for the rest of the ceremony.

Following the Invocation is the Dedication.  This is the part where the Officiant asks, “Who gives this woman to be married?” for example.  Again, this is completely optional, particularly if the bride has not chosen to be escorted up the aisle.

At this point comes what I think of as the entertainment portion of the ceremony.  It includes the Address, which involves a message that can include how the bride and groom have come together, what they think about each other, and advice that may seem appropriate.  This would be the section of the ceremony in which there might be passages of scripture, poems, literary readings and music. This part should be long enough to be interesting and entertaining, yet short enough so that your guests won’t fall asleep.  This, too, is optional.

Now we come to the required parts of the ceremony.  There is the Expression of Intent. This is merely a statement, such as, “Have you come here for the purpose of marriage?”  Both parties answer in unison, “We do,” or something similar.

If the couple wish to share personal messages with each other, this is a nice spot for them to do so.

Once that is done, the Officiant may say the Consecration.  Not required, it is a form of blessing. Some people like to say one of several Old Irish Blessings.

Next come the Vows.  While it may be as simple as, “Do you, (name), take (name), to be your wedded wife/husband” followed by, “I do,” they can also be poetic and lengthy.  These are required.

Following the Vows, some couples like to have more entertainment, such as music, another reading, or a Unity Ceremony, which can involve flowers, water, sand, candles, hand tying, or planting a flower bulb, a tree, or other symbolic ceremony.  All of this is optional, but ideally represents the couple’s feelings.

Next comes the Blessing of the Rings, which is also optional and can be either religious or secular, simple or poetic.  It precedes the Exchange of the Rings, in which the bride and groom place their rings on each other’s fingers. This can be done with or without vows, such as, “With this ring, I thee wed.”

Immediately following is the Pronouncement of the couple as husband and wife.  This is required.

Some couples like to save the signing of the Marriage License for this part of the ceremony, but it can also be signed following the end. It should be noted that there must be two witnesses of legal age to sign the license. This is a legal requirement.

Most couples like to seal their vows with a kiss at this point.  After that, the Officiant may introduce the couple to their guests as Mr. and Mrs. (names) followed by the Benediction, which is another blessing.  All of these parts are optional as well.

The couple goes out of the church/etc. during the Recessional, often followed by a Receiving Line, in which the bridal party and relatives receive the well-wishes the guests.  Some will do this immediately after the wedding, while others like to save this for the reception/party afterward.

It is important for a couple to choose the parts of the ceremony which reflect their feelings and to advocate for themselves with the professionals who will make the ceremony special for their wedding day.  A good Officiant will guide you through the script and create a memorable ceremony that you can remember for the rest of your lives.

Options

When you are sitting down with your professionals, the thing you most want is to have a variety of options presented to you so that you can choose what represents your interests, beliefs, and sometimes, your fantasies.  While some professionals are very open to things you may want to try, others are somewhat rigid in their thinking, when it comes to possibilities, and will try to limit your options, rather than open them up.  If they can give a reasonable explanation as to why they don’t suggest something in which you’re interested, all well and good, but if it just seems they have a limited view of things and seem to be strong-arming you to do something which would make less work for themselves, then perhaps you do not have a good fit with this professional and it is time to find someone who is more open-minded.  The last thing you want when you are planning is to have someone tell you what you want or don’t want for your ceremony or reception.  Nor do you want someone to play off your fears about Murphy’s Law, which states that if anything possibly can go wrong, it will.

The bottom line is that you want all of the options presented to you, so that you can make an informed decision which speaks to your hearts as a couple.  If you find someone filling in the blanks for you, it’s time to look elsewhere.

Why The Professional Officiant?

A lot of the scuttle-butt on the Professional circuit these days is about officiants who do not perform their work on a professional basis.  This includes friends and relatives of the bride or groom who apply for an ordination simply for the purpose of performing this specific wedding, often as a measure for saving money, but occasionally for the purpose of being the individual who blesses the marriage.  While either is acceptable in the eyes of the law, and reasonable for the couple, the finished product can sometimes be a disaster, leaving the bride and groom with memories that are below their expectations when it comes to how they see their wedding.

To see what you might be missing by having Uncle Joe perform your ceremony, consider what services you get with a professional officiant.  First, the officiant meets with you, taking the time to get to know you.  He or she might have a questionnaire for you to fill out, describing not only your preferences, but a little bit of the history of your relationship, so that your ceremony can be personalized to the two of you.  He or she might interview you, to really get acquainted with you both.  Then, if there are several basic ceremonies that the officiant uses, you can select a ceremony that reflects who you are as a couple and the feelings that you have for each other.  In my estimation, this is one of the most important things in the preparation of a wedding ceremony.  The professional officiant will prepare the ceremony and send you a copy for your approval.  He or she will rehearse with you prior to the ceremony so that your wedding will appear polished.  The day of the wedding, the professional officiant will coordinate events in such a way that everyone is ready on time and the ceremony comes off like a well-practiced production.  Your license will be signed and copies delivered to the appropriate parties.  You can trust the officiant to complete all phases of the preparation and display of the ceremony, without having to remind him or her of anything. 

When you are being married by Uncle Joe, this is not going to happen.  Although your friends and relatives know you, they do not know wedding protocol or what needs to be done when.  They are likely to find a ceremony script on the web, and will read it for you, but the ceremony will be lacking in polish, practice, and satisfaction.

While a professional officiant costs more money, the finished product is worth the extra investment.  Shopping around, you will be able to find a professional who cares about the memories that you are going to create, and will take a creative approach to providing them.

How To Deal With Conflict at the Wedding

Most weddings are a place where everyone is excited and happy for the bride and groom, partaking of their special day with positive energy and shared love.  There is respect and those who aren’t particularly supportive, have the decency to keep their opinions to themselves.  However, there is the occasional wedding in which there is a faction, often uninvited, prepared to disrupt the service, cause contention and turn the day into a disaster.  What does one do with that?

When the world is not supportive of the choices made by a couple, the first solution is not to invite trouble by leaving the nay-sayers off the guest list.  Even if that person is beloved Aunt Polly, and the worst she might do is moan and cry during the vows, it is wise to allow her to keep her feelings to herself.

However, there are those who would crash a wedding and shout or even become violent, attacking the bride or the groom, to show their displeasure at the proceedings.  Not only does this cause embarrassment, but also can cause costly delays of the ceremony.  If you have a concern that this may be a problem, being prepared ahead of time will help protect your ceremony from the negativity. 

Having your guests bring their invitations, and setting a gatekeeper or doorman at the entrance to the venue, preferably someone of imposing size, to sort out who has or has not been invited, can reduce the likelihood of a disruption.  Also, informing the officiant that there is an individual who may cause problems during the service helps to avoid problems, as the officiant can set a pace that doesn’t allow for interruptions.  The last step is to call the police and have the disruptors removed from the premises.  It may be an uncomfortable step to take, but possibly a necessary one, should violence come into the picture.

There are also those who underhandedly attempt to manipulate a couple by making threats and ultimatums.  These persons are likely to be more low key, but their presence on the day of a wedding can cause plenty of discomfort.  They usually impose their statements prior to the start of the ceremony, and the best option is to quietly ask them to leave.  While it may not be pleasant, it is a better option than having disruption during the ceremony.

Knowing who would cause conflict at your wedding and taking steps ahead of time to prevent the person’s actions from destroying your special day, may preserve the positive memories that you hope to have to begin your married life. 

Words, Words, Words

Many couples find that the wedding ceremony itself presents a problem.  They have a lot of emotions that they want to express, to make the day very special and meaningful, yet the words do not come to them.  They rely on the officiant to come up with just the right words to share how they feel about each other.  This is perfectly all right.

Some officiants will have a questionnaire to help determine what your thoughts and feelings about each other are.  They may ask, “What does love mean to you?”  or “What words describe how you feel about your partner?”  There are many questions that will help you to think about what you want said the day of your wedding.  Thinking about these things when the pressure is off allows your officiant get to know who the two of you are as a couple and what is important in your lives.  They may ask about your hobbies, what “family” means to you.  How much time do you think is important to spend with your partner, and when you are together, what makes that time special?

Having some time to think about these things allows you to have a ceremony that will bring back memories of fondness for the rest of your lives. 

Writing Your Own Vows

Writing your own vows is becoming more popular these days. Some couples prefer not to, because they really don’t know what to say. But it might be easier than you may think.
Start by speaking from your heart. You are telling the most important person in your life not only how you feel about him or her, but what you want to happen in the years to come. You are making promises, expressing your hopes, your commitment, and perhaps, maybe even some fears. All of those things are okay.

The best way to do this is to be yourself. Your reason for writing your own vows was so that you don’t have to say the awkward, flowery vows that the officiant comes up with, or the old boring vows that have been said and heard since the Stone Age.

Here are some hints:
• Start by thinking about how you met, what you first noticed about your partner.

• Tell her or him what there is that excites you or brings you joy when you’re together.

• Move on to why you decided that right now is the time to commit to marriage.

• Say two or three things that you want to happen for the future in your relationship.

• Express in your own words what will show your partner that you are committed in the long term.
You can do it! Don’t let a few words get in your way.