Avoiding Meltdowns

The day of the wedding ceremony is fraught with nerves, headaches, and confusion.  There are many things that can go wrong, but the important thing is to avoid a meltdown for the bride and groom.  With a little luck and a good officiant, the wedding can be salvaged and be remembered for years to come as a beautiful event, near and dear to the heart.

Let’s take a look at some of the things that might go wrong.  First, the Marriage License can be lost, left behind at the hotel, have coffee spilled on it, or be accidentally torn.  Plan ahead by giving the license to someone who will take responsibility for it, such as the maid of honor or best man, a parent, or a wedding planner. This person will be responsible for making sure it gets packed with items to go to the location of the ceremony, making sure it is transported to the site, and perhaps wrapping it in plastic report cover to prevent damage from spills or tears, and most importantly, delivering the license to the officiant prior to the ceremony.

Another disastrous thing that can happen is having the wedding cake ruined.  This can happen in transport.  The cake may fall, melt, be dropped, not be what was ordered, etc.  The solution to this is a little more difficult.  If possible, have the bakery deliver the cake to your location.  They have to tools to protect the cake from most of these problems.  If the cake comes in sections, they will be able to set it up to its best.  If your baker doesn’t deliver, allow extra time so that the cake doesn’t get bounced around in transport by having to hurry through traffic.  Upon arrival, use a kitchen cart to move the cake into the hall.  If there is a melting problem, smoothing the icing with a spatula should help repair the situation.

Flowers are commonly delivered by the florist, and they will often help distribute the bouquets and boutonnieres to the wedding party.  The problem here is if they droop in the heat of summer, or if the tapes holding things together slide off.  This isn’t a common problem, but it is a possibility.  If necessary, store the flowers in a refrigerator to keep them fresh.

Clothing can become a headache as well.  Perhaps someone’s tux doesn’t fit.  Or, perhaps the bridesmaids gowns are too tight.  Worst of all, the bridal gown may tear or pop a button.  The latter problem can be helped with a needle and thread, so long as this is packed into a “go bag” where all of the last minute needs are stored.  The fitting of the tuxes and bridesmaids gowns can be taken care of if everyone is fitted a week or so before the ceremony.  Then, make sure that each person does, in fact, have the clothing that is meant for them.

Now it is a matter of making sure all of the people that have been invited are on time.  Depending upon the size of the guest list, it may or may not be important that the guests, and a special guest in particular, arrive on time.  It isn’t practical to phone everyone and remind them to be on time, but if there is someone you absolutely want to be there for the ceremony, a well-timed phone call can help them remember what time they should arrive.  Ten minutes before the ceremony is a good rule of thumb.

Last, it’s raining on your well-planned ceremony.  Not to worry.  Paperwork can be slipped into plastic report covers so that the ink doesn’t run, someone can be asked to hold umbrellas over the wedding party if the rain is falling very hard, or, if the rain is a temporary thing, it’s probably okay to wait a little while.  But remember, rain on the wedding day is a good omen.

If you can avoid these pitfalls, there is no reason for a meltdown and heartfelt memories shall abound.

Peripheral Tips

Once you have all of the flowers, gowns, tuxes, and are ready to rehearse your ceremony, there are a few things that need to be discussed.  For example, when the bride is presented, do you wish the congregation to stand?  Often, they will stand without prompting, but it is good to know if you wish them to do so.  Traditionally, as the bride comes into view, the congregation will stand, but there are couples who prefer not to do this.  You should let your officiant know your preferences.

Another thing that will help your ceremony go smoothly is that the maid of honor will adjust the train of the bride’s gown when the bride reaches her place. Following that, or if there is no train to smooth, the bride hands the maid of honor her flowers, so that her hands are free to hold the groom’s hands and to give and receive the rings, pour sand (if there is a sand ceremony), exchange roses (for a rose ceremony), light candles (if there is a Unity Candle) and so on.

It is frequently preferred by couples to have a ringbearer in the bridal party.  This is a charming addition.  The problem comes in when the rings are not adequately tied to the pillow he carries, or tied so well that the ties must be cut.  Perhaps I have said this before, but it helps the ceremony to run more smoothly if the ringbearer has faux rings on the pillow (it may actually have had a pair of them when purchased) and have the best man and/or maid of honor holding the rings to be presented to the officiant when asked.

These are just a few of the tips that will help your wedding day go seamlessly better.

What You Must Have in Your Ceremony

Your wedding ceremony is a presentation which contains all of the legal requirements that transform a couple of single individuals into a married couple.  The language therein is arranged with all of the necessary wording to accomplish that fact. When it comes down to it, there is little that must be said, and a lot that makes the money you spent on your ceremony worthwhile.  You will want your ceremony to reflect your feelings and express who you are as a couple. The ceremony script should express how you feel, but also, include nothing that you feel is irrelevant. It is important that you communicate this to your officiant.

What, then, is a required part of the ceremony, and what is for appearances?  Let’s run through the ceremony skeleton and see what we can find.

The first segment is the Prelude.  This is, generally, the music that is played while guests are being seated.  It is entirely optional and fairly difficult without a large sound system, if your ceremony is to be out or doors.

Next is the Processional.  This is also music, but it is played while the wedding party is approaching the area where they will stand for the rest of the ceremony, i.e. the front of the church, a stage, the water’s edge if near a lake, etc.  Even if you have no Prelude, a Processional is nice to have, but it, too, is not a required part of the ceremony.

The Convocation is the third part of the ceremony.  This is where the officiant or a designated individual introduces bride and groom, welcomes your guests and/or invites them to witness the union.  This is usually brief, often stated in traditional ceremonies as, “Dearly Beloved…etc.”  This too is optional.

The Invocation is next.  It may be a religious prayer or a secular wish of goodwill toward the bride and groom.  It is not legally required, but its presence may nicely set the tone for the rest of the ceremony.

Following the Invocation is the Dedication.  This is the part where the Officiant asks, “Who gives this woman to be married?” for example.  Again, this is completely optional, particularly if the bride has not chosen to be escorted up the aisle.

At this point comes what I think of as the entertainment portion of the ceremony.  It includes the Address, which involves a message that can include how the bride and groom have come together, what they think about each other, and advice that may seem appropriate.  This would be the section of the ceremony in which there might be passages of scripture, poems, literary readings and music. This part should be long enough to be interesting and entertaining, yet short enough so that your guests won’t fall asleep.  This, too, is optional.

Now we come to the required parts of the ceremony.  There is the Expression of Intent. This is merely a statement, such as, “Have you come here for the purpose of marriage?”  Both parties answer in unison, “We do,” or something similar.

If the couple wish to share personal messages with each other, this is a nice spot for them to do so.

Once that is done, the Officiant may say the Consecration.  Not required, it is a form of blessing. Some people like to say one of several Old Irish Blessings.

Next come the Vows.  While it may be as simple as, “Do you, (name), take (name), to be your wedded wife/husband” followed by, “I do,” they can also be poetic and lengthy.  These are required.

Following the Vows, some couples like to have more entertainment, such as music, another reading, or a Unity Ceremony, which can involve flowers, water, sand, candles, hand tying, or planting a flower bulb, a tree, or other symbolic ceremony.  All of this is optional, but ideally represents the couple’s feelings.

Next comes the Blessing of the Rings, which is also optional and can be either religious or secular, simple or poetic.  It precedes the Exchange of the Rings, in which the bride and groom place their rings on each other’s fingers. This can be done with or without vows, such as, “With this ring, I thee wed.”

Immediately following is the Pronouncement of the couple as husband and wife.  This is required.

Some couples like to save the signing of the Marriage License for this part of the ceremony, but it can also be signed following the end. It should be noted that there must be two witnesses of legal age to sign the license. This is a legal requirement.

Most couples like to seal their vows with a kiss at this point.  After that, the Officiant may introduce the couple to their guests as Mr. and Mrs. (names) followed by the Benediction, which is another blessing.  All of these parts are optional as well.

The couple goes out of the church/etc. during the Recessional, often followed by a Receiving Line, in which the bridal party and relatives receive the well-wishes the guests.  Some will do this immediately after the wedding, while others like to save this for the reception/party afterward.

It is important for a couple to choose the parts of the ceremony which reflect their feelings and to advocate for themselves with the professionals who will make the ceremony special for their wedding day.  A good Officiant will guide you through the script and create a memorable ceremony that you can remember for the rest of your lives.

Release Rituals

One of the lovelier rituals performed at weddings are the release rituals, in which doves or balloons are released to represent the freedom of the love between a couple.  There is a new twist on these two exercises, as only the creative minds of the ingenious and culturally inspired can develop.  One ritual, borrowed from the Orient, is the release of floating lanterns, which are miniature hot air balloons with an incendiary device which lifts the lantern up into the sky.  The second is helium-filled, dove-shaped balloons which are biodegradable for the ecology-minded, yet allow for a lovely display similar to the live release of doves. 

Both of these releases create a dramatic and beautiful image that will stay with you and your guests for a long time.  The cost for either is nominal, but with the right narration, can be especially meaningful.  The lanterns are available in many different colors, including a package of several colors.  The dove-shaped balloons are white.  This link will connect you with a vendor who sells these items.

http://www.skylanterns.us

While these rituals are just beginning to become popular, they are not widely known and practiced.  Both are well-suited to outdoor weddings, and the lanterns are much more dramatic at night, when the lights shine as they rise.  If you wish to have a dramatic flair, I highly recommend these rituals.

Narrative for the release of the doves might be something as simple as, "to symbolize the freedom of the expression of Bride and Groom's love, they release these doves."  Of course, you can get as poetic as you wish, adding more to enhance the drama, but the imagery is of paramount significance.

How To Deal With Conflict at the Wedding

Most weddings are a place where everyone is excited and happy for the bride and groom, partaking of their special day with positive energy and shared love.  There is respect and those who aren’t particularly supportive, have the decency to keep their opinions to themselves.  However, there is the occasional wedding in which there is a faction, often uninvited, prepared to disrupt the service, cause contention and turn the day into a disaster.  What does one do with that?

When the world is not supportive of the choices made by a couple, the first solution is not to invite trouble by leaving the nay-sayers off the guest list.  Even if that person is beloved Aunt Polly, and the worst she might do is moan and cry during the vows, it is wise to allow her to keep her feelings to herself.

However, there are those who would crash a wedding and shout or even become violent, attacking the bride or the groom, to show their displeasure at the proceedings.  Not only does this cause embarrassment, but also can cause costly delays of the ceremony.  If you have a concern that this may be a problem, being prepared ahead of time will help protect your ceremony from the negativity. 

Having your guests bring their invitations, and setting a gatekeeper or doorman at the entrance to the venue, preferably someone of imposing size, to sort out who has or has not been invited, can reduce the likelihood of a disruption.  Also, informing the officiant that there is an individual who may cause problems during the service helps to avoid problems, as the officiant can set a pace that doesn’t allow for interruptions.  The last step is to call the police and have the disruptors removed from the premises.  It may be an uncomfortable step to take, but possibly a necessary one, should violence come into the picture.

There are also those who underhandedly attempt to manipulate a couple by making threats and ultimatums.  These persons are likely to be more low key, but their presence on the day of a wedding can cause plenty of discomfort.  They usually impose their statements prior to the start of the ceremony, and the best option is to quietly ask them to leave.  While it may not be pleasant, it is a better option than having disruption during the ceremony.

Knowing who would cause conflict at your wedding and taking steps ahead of time to prevent the person’s actions from destroying your special day, may preserve the positive memories that you hope to have to begin your married life. 

Cold Feet

There are a few of my couples who have experienced cold feet. They go through all of the planning, start looking at the costs, think about how their lives will change, what they will have to do to keep a marriage on course, and they go into a panic. Rarely does this stop them from going through with the wedding, but it can create some very uncomfortable days until everything is back on target.

Planning and communication are the sure-fire ways of making these things work out. By working together, making sure all of the bases are covered for the wedding itself, talking about what has been accomplished, what has yet to be done, talking about the feelings that you have, including how the ceremony and reception will affect your finances, you come to realize what a great team you are, how you solve problems, and that together, you can overcome whatever is before you.
You may find that you have to prioritize desires for your ceremony. Some thing are very important to each of you, other things you can let go of without it negatively affecting you on an emotional level. Some things are just beyond your budget. Part of being a mature, married couple is knowing when you have to make do with what you have. If you have your heart set on something, you may have to make a trade-off. Together, you can make these choices.

The thing that you must avoid at all costs is manipulation. Don’t try to deceive one another or surprise one another with what you think your partner wants or something that you want, but you think you will be able to trick your partner into wanting in the end. This is a sign that you have some growing to do, and you need to face that.

Marriage is about making an unstoppable team. You can be a part of it, or you can break it. What choice will you make?
Warm regards,
Rev. Sandra

Saving Time

Saving Time31213
Last time, we spoke about ways to save money on a big wedding. How let’s think about ways to save time.

You’ve been dreaming of your Big Day since you were a little girl. You know enough of the details of how you want it to look to be able to draw the ideal event. Good! This will really help you when you start to put all of the pieces together. Since you already know what you’re looking for, finding it is just a detail.
One of the reasons that you should connect with your officiant or wedding planning before you get too much into the planning phase: they’ve been doing this for years and should be able to tell you where to find all the things for your perfect day. He or she is in touch with other professionals, deejays, bands, string quartets, photographers, bakers, florists, venues, etc. They’ve been working with them for years. Use their expertise and connections to get the best of the best. This will save you time and in the long run, headaches and money.
Once you have your vendors lined up, you can get to decor. Again, your professionals can point you in the right direction. If you want something that is a little out of the ordinary, they’ve probably seen or heard of such, and can tell you where to go to get what you want. If you have a special hobby, consider where you get the properties (objects, supplies, tools) to pursue the hobby. Talk to others who share your hobby. Networking with others who like what you like will help you along your path of fulfilling your dream day much quicker.
If you have decorations to make, take advantage of family and friends. Perhaps you’re going to have a small wedding and won’t be including them in the ceremony itself. Giving them decorations to work on will help them feel the honor of participating in your lovely day.
Wishing you a Storybook Wedding!

Saving, Saving, Saving

The traditional wedding season is coming quickly upon us. That is to say, the weather is soon to be getting warmer and warm weather brides are likely to be bursting at the seams to get all of their ducks in a row. It may be an easy matter to hire a church, a hall, a band or deejay, minister, florist, and then get the dresses and tuxes, invitations, and decor in line. Or is it? Depending upon how much money you are able to spend, it may be a bit of a challenge to have the things you want in your dream wedding. There are ways to cut the cost if you are willing to look at some possibilities beyond the norm.
Some people are opting to have a wedding at the location where the honeymoon will take place, then having a reception upon their return. For friends who can afford to book airfare, hotel and meals at the location, they are welcome to come, but generally speaking, only close family is included in this type of ceremony. It is one option for saving money and still having the honeymoon you desire.
Often the church is the biggest expense in a wedding. Considering popular outdoor locations which may have special meaning to the two of you, can often save a lot of money. There may be a small reservation fee, but generally, having a wedding in the outdoors is relatively inexpensive. Places that are especially nice are the beach, a public park, a friend’s countryside garden, or a historic site that allows for large gatherings.
Bands are nice, but they can be pricey. Deejays have come into fashion for weddings as well as receptions. Be sure that if you are using a deejay for your wedding ceremony that he or she is willing to coordinate timing with the minister or your event planner so that the ceremony has a professional presentation.

Flowers are expensive and if you can afford the best, go for it. For those who have limited budgets, you can find a broad selection of silk flowers at a dollar store. In fact, they have begun to stock favors and decorations that you can make for your reception tables that look as nice as if you purchased them from an upscale store. You can get a book that explains how to put your bouquets together at your local bookstore.
Dresses and tuxes have been going out the window in recent years as budgets get smaller. I have seen some beautiful gowns at local thrift shops. These are often dresses that have been worn once and are discarded. Purchased new, these dresses may have been hundreds of dollars, often covered in beautiful lace and beadwork, but at a thrift store, they are sold at a fraction of the price. For the obvious reason, sizes are limited, and you may have to really shop around for a few months to find what you want, but the savings is worth it. Tuxes, on the other hand, are being seen as an unnecessary extra for some couples. The gentlemen are opting to wear matching shirts and slacks, and sometimes, depending on the location of the ceremony, something that speaks to the environment, including cargo shorts. The latter speaks to the notion that weddings should be memorable because they really are all about who the two of you are as a couple, and should reflect your personalities and feelings.

What about the cake? Cupcakes are in vogue and often cost less than a multi-tiered cake with extravagant decorations. Arranging them on a special stand creates the captivating look. You can often purchase various flavors of cupcakes, thus allowing your guests a choice. If you wish, you can still have a small cake for the traditional anniversary cake. This is the cake that you share on your first anniversary to celebrate the success of your marriage.
Invitations and other paper products have become a challenge of the past, as more and more couples have opted to design their own with their computer graphics and photo software. They may be expensive to print out, as the papers and inks can add up, but it is likely that they will still be less expensive than purchasing these items from a printer. The positive thing is that you have the ability to change the amount of printed copies, should your guest list grow or decrease. Most office supply stores will be able to provide the special papers and inks that you wish to use.
Knowing the trends of what others are doing to save money can take some of the tension out of organizing and preparing for a beautiful wedding. May you be richly blessed!

Outdoors or Indoors

I live in Michigan. The weather here is questionable, day to day, yet there is something alluring about the backyard wedding, not only because it saves money, but because it lends a comforting touch to the nerves. So what does one do, when all the plans have been made for an outdoor wedding and the meteorologist says it's going to rain on your wedding day?

The quick answer is to rent tents or canopies to protect the lovely clothing your guests will be wearing. Or, some people like to have a rented hall where their reception is going to be, as a backup in case of inclement weather. The final option is to grin and bear it, hoping that the rain will not come down too hard.

As an officiant, I have put the ceremony script into plastic page protectors and the cover into a plastic binder so that the lovely wording is saved and the couple will have a good-as-new copy of their ceremony as a keepsake. So long as everyone is enjoying the idea of "running through the sprinkles" there is nothing wrong with moving ahead with the ceremony, in spite of the occasional shower.

I had a beach wedding recently in which this very thing happened. The sweet couple would not be deterred from their nuptials by dark clouds and sudden downpours. The wedding party and the guests proceeded to the beach in style and there was such joyful laughter as the raindrops tickled our noses that this ceremony will stay in the memory banks of everyone who attended as something very special.

And did you know it is good luck to be rained upon on your wedding day?

Warm regards,
Rev. Sandra J. Bogner-Follett

Planning Your Wedding

What's the first thing that comes to mind when it comes to weddings? The joy? The celebration? Not generally. For the bride, it's the work that comes with planning all of the elements that go into making a perfect memory. Some will opt to hire a wedding planner upon whom they can lay the work (and the blame if things go wrong). Some will depend upon a mother who may or may not be more than willing to take charge. (This works for some, but more often than not, Mother will do things her way, not your way, and this YOUR day!) aYou will need to select an officiant, a location, a photographer, a band or DJ, a florist and a gown and tux shop. And you will need to coordinate all of these people according to the date you want. Is it any surprise that more and more couples are opting for the garden wedding in the back yard?

Eventually, the planning will find its way around to your officiant. Your officiant will ask you questions about what you want in your ceremony as far as rituals (Unity Candle, Sand Ceremony, Hand Ceremony, Flower Ceremonies, etc.), if there will be special music, and special recognitions, prayers, blessings, readings, how you want to say your vows (memorize, repeat after me, or just say, "I do.") how you want to be introduced, and so forth. Don't be shy about asking for what you want, whether it is something you have imagined your entire life or whether it's something you saw at So-and-So's wedding and would like to include, or conversely, you DON'T want to include it. Your officiant is the go-to person to make your dream come true. And he or she will also have a good idea where you can find those "hard to locate" items as well.

How to Choose a Wedding Officiant

You're getting married. Congratulations! This is a big step forward in your life and you want your day to reflect who the two of you are as a couple and the feelings that you have for each other. Right? You don't want your officiant/minister/celebrant/preacher telling you what "should" be said. This is about the two of you--what you want and feel.

So number one on your list of questions to ask an officiant, is, "Do we get to choose what will be said, how long the ceremony is, what rituatls will be included, etc?" If your officiant is worth her salt (or his) the answer will be ABSOLUTELY! He or she should be flexible when it comes to what you want in your ceremony, how long it should be, what is included--which should be what you want and nothing you don't want. By all means, listen to the suggestions that he or she makes, but the final decision is yours.