What Are You Celebrating?

When a couple comes together for the purpose of marriage, there is always the question of how big a splash to make.  Some couples prefer something quiet, private, in which they can take care of the legal necessity of joining their lives, while others want to make as big a production with a great deal of fanfare to announce to the world that they are married, something that creates a beautiful memory of a day that seems more like a fantasy that reality.

As an officiant, it is my job to help you realize either one, whatever your hearts desire.  It is my job to find the right words, set the stage and express to your guests, however many you may have, that this day is special, that the two of you are now one voice, one heart, one life. 

Because everyone is different, your job is to let your officiant know what you envision as the perfect ceremony.  What rituals do you want as part of your ceremony?  Do you want special music, poetry, a tribute to someone special, memorials to those in the family who have passed, but are watching you from above? 

There are a lot of things that you can do to create a forum to have said what you want to do and say.  This ceremony will mark a transition from one stage of life to another, even if you, as a couple, have been together for years.  A wedding speaks volumes in that it can show your guests the story of your evolution from a single, solitary person, to a supportive, loving couple.  It can say what you feel, why you feel it, and why it is important and special to you, the couple.

Therefore, dream!  Envision what your perfect day is going to be.  If you are setting free balloons, or homing pigeons, or lighting a Unity Candle—whatever reflects your personal desires or style—make it your own and say what you will to celebrate who the two of you are as a couple and light the path ahead to where you want to go.

Dream Wedding?

What does it mean to have a dream wedding?  Some children grow up with an image in their minds that is highly detailed and specific as far as what they believe their wedding should look like, how it will be performed, what is said, and perhaps most important, where it will be.  Do they always get what they want?  Hopefully they will, but there is always that smidgen of doubt that says that there are going to be barriers which keep them from having the perfect wedding.

Let’s think about this for a minute.  When you were a child, did you get everything that you ever wanted?  Probably not.  If you did, it will be a lot harder for you to accept that you won’t have everything your way as an adult.  But logically, it stands to reason that the world is not going to give you things exactly the way you saw them when you were little.  No diamond tiara, no tropical island paradise.

I’m not trying to be a Debbie Downer here, but things just don’t look the same as we expected they would when we were young.  So there will have to be changes in the way you see your wedding.  You can still have special words spoken, you can still have lavish decorations, but if you wish to see through the eyes of a child, you are going to be a couple that is disgruntled and sad at the end of the day.  No one needs that kind of stress.

So look at things with your adult eyes and realize that you have a budget, large or small, but you can still have some amazing things.  Will it be a David Tutera production?  Probably not, but you can have silk flowers, crystals, the gown and tuxes, a special cake to top it all off and great music with which to dance the night away.

Have a No-Waste Wedding

When you think about the costs of the decorations for your wedding and reception, the price tag can skyrocket.  But there is also a cost of waste and an environmental impact from what you choose to use as your decor.  Unless you give all of the centerpieces and displays away to your guests, or resell them on eBay, for example, chances are you are going to be throwing most of the beautiful items away.  So take the time to consider what you can do to decorate with natural things that can be recycled or serve a secondary purpose over time.

One clever thing used for an outdoor wedding was the use of wildflowers in canning jars.  The jars were suspended from shepherd’s hooks along the path of the processional.  The flowers could equally have been silk flowers or wheat stalks, and the jars could have been any that can be picked up at thrift stores or flea markets, so long as they can make a set.  The displays were stunning and simple, and left little impact on the environment.  The canning jars might be filled with tomatoes or jelly in years to come.

Lovely table decorations can be made from varied sizes of goblets with colored gravel, water and a goldfish.  The fish can then be placed into an aquarium for a living memorial of the ceremony.  The goblets, once sterilized, can be used for years to come, and once again, the memories are lasting.

Considering your hobbies in creating decorations may allow another lasting use of materials.  If you sew, you may be able to use yard goods to create interesting displays.  You can use the fabric to make interesting quilts that commemorate your wedding and become family heirlooms.

There are so many ways to use materials that will become a part of your family heritage in the years to come.  Just think outside the box and put a little more of yourself into the mix.

Asking the Right Questions

What questions should you ask your vendors?  Think about them before making the call.

You want to know first whether they are available for the date and time that you have decided upon.  When you hire vendors, you should have this slot decided upon before calling them.  Remember that they are receiving many calls, so expecting that they reserve your entire day is unrealistic.

Secondly, you want to know if they are in your price range.  Ask what the fee is.  But also ask if there are any conditions which allows for a discount, what those conditions are, and what prevents you from getting them.  In this day and age, many officiants allow special rates for elopement, which is where you have a short ceremony with just your witnesses.  Each officiant would have to say what conditions apply for him or her.  Others may have a sliding scale based on location, your income, and possibly, your age.  Be sure to ask.  Your officiant is perfectly willing to line these things out.

Third, you will need to find out if the vendor will travel to the location that you have in mind.  Distances are a great deterrent in these days of high gas prices, but if you are willing to pay a higher fee, most vendors will go almost anywhere.

Finally, any question that you can think of is fair game to ask your vendors.  If you write them down before you speak over the phone or before you meet in person, you will find that you are more satisfied because your vendors will be better able to meet your needs.

Selecting Rings

One of the biggest expenses for a wedding are the rings which will symbolize your commitment to one another for the rest of your lives.  Most people opt for the most beautiful rings they can comfortably afford.  However, some people are opting for new twists in this regard.  There are several ways of showing commitment creatively without such great expense and, some people feel, are more meaningful than expensive jewelry.

One variation is getting tattoos on the ring fingers.  These, of course, are permanent.  The tattoos are meant to show the depth and permanence of the intention to commit for life.  They can be as ornate and beautiful as the creativity of the couple and artist can achieve.  The problem with this is that not even couples whose intention becomes a part of their physical bodies can assure that their marriage does, in fact, last a lifetime.  As with all tattoos, should the marriage end, it may become rather awkward.

Another variation I have seen is the use of rubber O-rings, which are worn on the understanding that while marriage may not be perfect, the rules thereof can be stretched and twisted, like the O-ring, but the marriage will not break.  This is charming and a very symbolic sentiment, though the rings may not be suitable for wearing with all clothing choices.

I have also seen couples who have woven, knitted or crocheted rings.  These can be varied in color to match clothing choices, and still use the concept of stretching a point as the O-rings above, but may be more fashionable.

Whatever you choose for your rings, they are, indeed, a symbol of the depth and strength of your commitment to love one another for the rest of your lives.

Rituals

Rituals are those things that add a little color and flair to a ceremony. They can be as simple as signing the marriage license following vows, or as symbolic as planting a flower or tree to watch the growth of a relationship. Many people are familiar with the Unity Candle as a standby, and with the boom in outdoor weddings, the use of the Sands of Unity, which uses two or more colors of sand to symbolize the union of a couple or a family, is becoming regarded as something very special. Some couples wish to honor beloved ones who have passed over.

Handfasting is a ritual that comes to us from the Pagan culture, but it is a beautiful symbol of the joining of two people. It requires 18 feet of three colors of ribbon which can be pre-braided to make a beautiful wrap. The right hands are placed side by side, the cord is wrapped crossways around the wrists from one to the other, seven times to make a blessing. The ends of the cord are then placed in the hands, which are pulled out to form a knot, which then becomes a keepsake. If desired, a reading about the significance of all the blessings that come from the hands can be read during the wrapping, or music can be played.

Slideshows are not common at weddings, but if there is a significant amount of photo footage available, displaying the progress of the relationship, from the time a couple meets to the time of proposal is a lovely detail that everyone can enjoy. Of course, this can also be a highlight of the reception.

Ceremonies that allow the guests to participate in blessing the couple are nice and can be done before, during or after the ceremony. Stones can be given to each person before seating. During the ceremony, a blessing is placed on the stone, then they are collected and presented to the bride and groom. Some couples ask that each person pass by the rings which are displayed on a pillow and offer a blessing. Coins can be blessed, then collected and placed in a bag. Next they are thrown out onto the ground. The couple collects the coins to save as a nest egg for their new home.

Whatever you choose to do, your ceremony should reflect the feelings that you have for each other and who you are as a couple.

May you be richly blessed!

Honoring Loved Ones

It has become a common habit to make a memorial to loved ones who could not attend the wedding ceremony, as they have passed. Whether the passing is recent or whether it is one that took place long ago, it never goes out of style to show our love for these dear ones, to invite their blessings from above, and to receive their warmth raining down upon the ceremony. Many people will set a chair aside and grace it with the individual's favorite flower. Some will place photos on the altar to acknowledge their loved one's presence. Others will have an item that is less intrusive placed on a chair or table, perhaps something that belonged to the individual. Some will want the loved one's name and a touching verse to honor him or her. All of these things are easy and quick acknowledgements of someone who played a special part in making the bride/groom who she or he is. They are never morbid reminders of the pain felt in losing the loved one. If you wish to add a little more personal touch to your ceremony, consider honoring a loved one who has passed.

The Off Season

This is considered the "off season" when it comes to weddings, and as an officiant, the "extra" time is useful for studying trends in wedding preferences, writing new vows and ceremonies, coming up with new and varied rituals with special, heartfelt meanings, and touching in with couples who really want to get a jump on their planning for next season. The pace is a little slower, yet, for those of us who are always looking into the future for what will be new and exciting, it is time to get out of the box and seriously think of something different.
Yes, it may be a means of putting us ahead of the next guy, to grab a greater portion of market share, but really, to me it means giving better service, being more efficient, offering more touching options and being able to provide nothing less than the best for my couples. It means making sure that my equipment is in top condition, including my car, so that I can be where I need to be when I need to be there. It means getting the PA to work without crackling. It means checking the wardrobe so that robes, suits and dresses are all dry-cleaned and repaired and the shoes shined. It means thinking ahead so that every contingency has been covered so the day of each wedding in the upcoming season, I am prepared, and prepared not only for what I have to do, but also prepared in case some other party to the wedding happens to drop the ball. So I restock my "gig back" with tissues, deodorant, bobby pins, hairspray, pins, needle and thread, lint roller, .....on it goes, because I'm not just there to do my part, I'm there to make sure that my couples have the most beautiful and perfect memory that is possible.

Rituals

There are many kinds of rituals which can be included to your ceremony for their symoblic value of expressing that the two of you are now united. The most common is the Unity Candle, in which three candles are placed on the altar or pedestal, a large one in the center with two tapers on the sides. Tradition suggests that the mothers light the outer candles at the time they are seated. After the vows, generally, the bride and groom each take a taper and light the center candle, then blow out the side candles and replace them on the altar. This is a lovely ritual, very meaningful, with the flame representing the life force of the couple. However, this is not practical for those who are choosing to marry out of doors, as the air currents, even on a very calm day, will put out the flames, stealing away the pageantry and romance of the ritual. So for outdoor weddings, I suggest the Sands of Unity.

This ritual serves well if it is only the bride and groom participating, but many blended families enjoy allowing the children to take part in this ritual as well. It goes like this: each person has a separate color of sand (to be found at a local hobby shop). There is a decorative vase in the center which should be able to be closed with a cork, lid, or other stopper. At the appointed time, everyone steps forward, takes his or her sand (which can be placed into pretty containers also, or put in open bowls with scallop shells to sift the sand into the container, however you wish to do it) and pours it into the decorative container, allowing the sand to blend and fill as it will. This symbolizes the value of each person's contribution to the family as a whole, such that each person fills the empty spaces left by the others. At the end, there is a beautiful keepsake that will last for the rest of their lives.

Tying of the Hands can involve merely tying ribbons around the hands of the bride and groom to signify their union, or it can include a narrative which asks each partner to recognize the beauty and value of the service of the other. This is lovely in any kind of ceremony, but is most common in Handfastings with the Pagan community.

There are many types of flower ceremonies. Flowers may be given to the parents as thank you gifts for their love and support over the years. Flowers may be placed on an empty seat in recognition of a loved one who has passed, but is watching the ceremony from above. Flowers may also be exchanged as the first gift between husband and wife, also to be recognized as a peace offering at any point through their marriage in which they are facing difficulties, to let the other know that the love is still strong between them. And last, flowers may be used as a Unity Ceremony, by taking petals from two different colors of flowers, and combining them in a single vase. This is beautiful, but is not a lasting memorial.

The Wine Ceremony has the couple pouring a glass of wine for each other, and then toasting their new marriage. This may come a little later, often after their first kiss. It may be accompanied by a Bread Ceremony in which a small loaf of bread is placed on the altar, and they each offer the other a bite of bread, to show the growth and welcoming of the other to the home. In some cultures, the bread is baked by the bride and presented for eating to her mother-in-law.

The Tea Ceremony is common in Asian traditions. Tea is prepared in advance and when the bride is presented, both couples' parents come to the front and are served tea by the bride and groom to signify good relations and hospitality.

Planting a tree or flower is something a little more permanent, but is done more and more when the wedding takes place in the garden of the home where the couple will live. Sometimes, there are seeds/bulbs passed down from one generation to the next, or the sapling may be a cutting from a parental tree. In any case, there is a great deal of continuity and dedication as the couple plants the flower or tree, waters it and focuses their intention that the plant bring strength and longevity to their relationship.

There are other ceremonies to be performed after the ceremony, including a money ceremony. Prior to the ceremony, the spare change of the guests is collected by the groom's mother. After all of the guests have congratulated the new couple, the groom's mother pours all of the coins onto the floor. The bride and groom must then collect all of the money, which symbolically, is a blessing for the purchase of their new home.